First of all- lol at the fact that I tried to keep up with this every day over the summer. I literally suck. It's fine.
I guess I'm coming back to this because I'm struggling and I want to document my feelings on it so I won't go back on what I say.
My love life recently has been hard on me. As much as I try to see other people, Gil is still in the back of my mind. I told Kenna that I wasn't waiting on him or anything. I still talk to other guys and play out potentials but in all honesty, if Gil left Olivia, I would be there in a heart beat. She said no Michelle, that's the definition of waiting for him.
Kinda just got goosebumps typing that one out. Maybe it's just cold in here.
I told myself that I wouldn't be that girl- that I wouldn't let my mind wander to the what-ifs with Gil. I am a liar to my own self. I know that when we spend time together, he can't help but love me. I know that when we spend time together, I can't help but fall for him just a little bit more. And it got to a point where I just convinced myself that I didn't care that he had a girlfriend. I had ripped the idea from my mind and only saw the good in this man. And man, did I fall hard.
This past weekend I was in LA. Tiffany and I were tired from our late night so we took a nap before beginning our day. In this 30 minute nap, I had the best dream of my life. This is so odd that I remember this dream so vividly but I have thought about it every day since.
We're at Fish Camp. I'm hanging out with other counselors- Derek, one of my best friends. We're watching freshmen do skits and hang out with each other. Gil comes up, it's our turn. We lay on the ground with each other. I laid my head on his shoulder. Fish Camp was a good time. Fish Camp transforms into a ball. Everyone looks so beautiful. We dance, swaying to the beat of the music. He pulls me into a corner but I lose him. Instead a man comes up to ask me about a Senate scandal. Senate? I barely know anything about Senate... As I turn back to find Gil, I see everyone running out in a panic. I don't know what's going on so I try to run too. I trip. Over and over and over. Everyone is running past me and the only thing I can think about- where is Gil? I finally get to the front where I am informed that I have missed all of the busses out and I have to make it onto the train before it leaves. The train is far. I see people running towards it but something in me is making me fall and tumble. I begin to go. I run into other people I know who run much faster than I do. Will I make it? I make it closer and I see Gil run off the train and pulls me into his arms. Pretty sure I cried. We run to the train together. The train begins to take off but we take a leap in an attempt to make it. We barely make it, hanging onto the ledge of the train. The train is moving fast. Our legs are dangling above the nature below us. It is beautiful. We are exhilarated, happy. I let go of the train with one arm. The feeling is breath taking. Then I wake up.
And for a moment, I was happy. And in the next, I was awakened by the reminder that this is not a possibility. I will never be with Gil.
Gil is the kind of guy I want to marry one day- instilled in his morals and playful. He loves hard and is dedicated to what he wants. But unfortunately, he is seeing someone and that someone is not me.
I had a plan. Our DG kids wanted to hang out. I wanted to see Gil, have the time of our lives then talk to him after to tell him that we could not continue seeing each other anymore. Not at all. It was unfair to us all. The fact of the matter is, we naturally fall for each other each time we spend time together. As long as I am in his life, we will always want each other for more than a friendship could provide.
We had our DG hang out. We laughed and danced and ate (yummy) food. I didn't want it to end. I had so many things running through my mind- how would I say this? How will he take it?
We drop off our DG kid and head to Bonfire Memorial. I don't know how to say any of it so I mindlessly talk about things that don't matter. Like whether or not I can park in that parking lot. I really didn't know what I was going to say. But Gil initiates it- "so what did you want to talk about?" I can't help it. I blab for at least 4 minutes straight.
I tell him about the dream. I tell him about how excited I was and how sad I was. I tell about how Makenna pointed out that I am waiting for him. I tell him that I am falling in love with someone who I cannot fall in love with. I tell him that we cannot be friends any longer.
He doesn't take it well. He basically shuts me down, saying it's not an option. I tried to convince him I was no good. I bring him guilt and pain and misunderstanding- none of which he deserves. It would be easier just to let me go and continue to be with Olivia. But he told me he didn't want to take the easy way out. He is upset, probably really offended that I would even suggest this. He doesn't think I believe that it's hard for him too- and sometimes, I don't believe it. How can it be that hard for him? Other times, I understand exactly how he feels.
We decide to go on an adventure. We drive to the middle of no where, at a dead end surrounded by nature, sit in the dark and stare for a while. I ask him, could you see a future with me? Logistically, it makes more sense to stay with Olivia. Their families are intertwined, they're from the same home town, etc. I understand why he would choose her over me. He tells me yes, he can.
A car zooms towards us and we struggle trying to find the keys. I seriously thought we were in trouble or we were going to get hurt. I had no idea where the keys were. The car drove past us, pulled in reverse and left. I laughed so hard. We were terrified for no reason. Out of fear, we left. We drove to the pike house, where we got out and sat outside. We talked more. We talked about the barn that I wanted to be painted a royal blue. That would be pretty. It was getting late.
After long conversations, there was silence. A comfortable silence. We both stared off into the distance. The silence became unbearing. This would probably be the last time I ever talk to this man. I couldn't help it, the tears rushed to my eyes. I tried my best to hide it. But I can never hide anything with Gil. He pulled me in and I started bawling. It hit me. It really hit me. He apologized for putting me in this position. I know he blames himself for everything but it's my fault too.
Something about him is irresistible. He kissed me. And not in a oh-crap-why-is-he-kissing-me-again kind of way. It was a kiss that I wanted. It was a kiss that I needed. These kisses were passionate and meaningful. These were different.
At one point, Gil pointed at a star that he could see in the distance- really cool considering we hadn't been able to see any the entire night. I walked out and looked up. The stars were everywhere. I was overwhelmed by the beauty. Gil held me as I stared in awe. He said "can we just soak up this moment?" So that's exactly what we did.
It was late. We didn't want to leave but we knew we had to. It was bittersweet. Once we got to his house, he asked me what the plan was. I came up with a compromise- "let's not talk for two weeks. And if it's unbearable, then we'll talk. But try to imagine your life without me. Please." And he agreed to it.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Co Lan
An update on my sweet Minh Minh.
He has changed. A lot. He will ignore people who are talking to his face. Even after he's called out on ignoring them, he will continue to ignore them. I can see he's on his phone about 24 hours a day. When I came to visit last weekend, I came early in the morning on Saturday. His room reeked of weed. I called him out on it once he woke up. He pretended as if he hadn't smoked in his room. He said "that's weird" so I told him not to be stupid. I told Dustin. Minh smoked in his room again that night. Dustin didn't know what to do but eventually took away his phone. But only for the night. If I had gotten caught smoking WEED in my ROOM when I was younger, I would've been smacked, yelled at, and been grounded for at least a month. Dustin doesn't know how to be strict. The only way he'll get better is if he sees there are repercussions for his wrong actions. It worries me that he thinks this is okay. It also worries me that Co Lan doesn't see what's going on.
That Saturday I had come, it was very early in the morning. No one was awake except us. We talked about how Kiet doesn't eat vegetables, and not only that, that he refuses to even give a reason why he won't eat them. It really frustrates me, so I've never really understood why Co Lan, a nurse, had been okay with it. She has tried with him before. She fought him with it so much that he threw up eating a carrot. Co Lan cried telling me how she doesn't know how to parent anymore. I see her struggle. I see her give up when Minh fights back on something he wants. And that's why her kids are going in directions that none of us anticipated. Minh gets away with doing drugs because she's scared to tell him no for anything. Kiet plays games all day and has no friends because Co Lan doesn't force him to go out and do things other than virtual reality. Co Lan asked me to help out more. I told her Dustin will back her up, too. I'm really worried that things are going to get much much worse.
He has changed. A lot. He will ignore people who are talking to his face. Even after he's called out on ignoring them, he will continue to ignore them. I can see he's on his phone about 24 hours a day. When I came to visit last weekend, I came early in the morning on Saturday. His room reeked of weed. I called him out on it once he woke up. He pretended as if he hadn't smoked in his room. He said "that's weird" so I told him not to be stupid. I told Dustin. Minh smoked in his room again that night. Dustin didn't know what to do but eventually took away his phone. But only for the night. If I had gotten caught smoking WEED in my ROOM when I was younger, I would've been smacked, yelled at, and been grounded for at least a month. Dustin doesn't know how to be strict. The only way he'll get better is if he sees there are repercussions for his wrong actions. It worries me that he thinks this is okay. It also worries me that Co Lan doesn't see what's going on.
That Saturday I had come, it was very early in the morning. No one was awake except us. We talked about how Kiet doesn't eat vegetables, and not only that, that he refuses to even give a reason why he won't eat them. It really frustrates me, so I've never really understood why Co Lan, a nurse, had been okay with it. She has tried with him before. She fought him with it so much that he threw up eating a carrot. Co Lan cried telling me how she doesn't know how to parent anymore. I see her struggle. I see her give up when Minh fights back on something he wants. And that's why her kids are going in directions that none of us anticipated. Minh gets away with doing drugs because she's scared to tell him no for anything. Kiet plays games all day and has no friends because Co Lan doesn't force him to go out and do things other than virtual reality. Co Lan asked me to help out more. I told her Dustin will back her up, too. I'm really worried that things are going to get much much worse.
Monday, July 10, 2017
courtney crews
Yesterday, Courtney said awful things to me. She has never been that mean to me before in my life. And to be honest, I do let her walk all over me but who am I to stand up for myself when she says she's depressed or sad or going through a lot... I feel like I don't have a right to be mad but I'm pretty upset. I've never been treated like this by anyone and I don't respect a friend who would think that this is okay.
Courtney's friend died recently. I didn't know him. Apparently they liked each other a while back. I never really heard about him from her other than one time when she told me that he liked her and she wasn't about it. So I was shocked to see how upset she was when he died. I know this sounds completely inconsiderate. I just didn't know they were actually good friends. I felt like I would've heard about him more if they were... I don't know. But because I didn't know, I just went with it. I believed what she said. I could see her hurting. I let her vent to me over and over about the same things. What was frustrating though was that I would provide advice or just my opinion on what she would say and she would completely disregard what I said and continue to talk about herself. That bothered me but really, what right do I have to ask for acknowledgement when she's going through this? So I let it go. I didn't really talk to her the next few days. I figured she needed her space. I could tell she was frustrated with everything I was saying and she was just running in circles saying the same thing over and over. She was in France when all of this happened so on the day she came back to America I texted her saying I couldn't wait for her to be back. She was being short with me, which I didn't really understand either. I understood that she was going through a lot but that doesn't really give you an excuse to treat anyone differently. I told her that I was going to give her space and time to heal but she proceeded to tell me more. She told me his little sister added Court on Facebook, guessing that she knew who Courtney was.
I thought, let me expand this conversation, I feel like she wants to talk about it. How did you know you were the only one? Then she got short again. Believe me when I say I was just as shocked as you are re-reading this. I was driving home from Dallas after dealing with some family stuff, trying to reply in a timely manner to all of this:
"it was a stupid thought to think thanks for the reminder"
WHAT!??!?!?! DID I SAY IT WAS STUPID???!!! i literally just asked how she knew
now apparently i am so inconsiderate, and i always think of the worst possible outcome when she's trying to have hope.
how can she make that assumption............ out of a question i asked........................ im livid just typing this blog post up
she adds in the fact that shes not the only person who thinks that was inconsiderate
so who is she talking to about our conversation? idk but i'm pretty sure she's misreading my messages
so she says "bye i dont want to talk"
which was rude
but i was like okay thats fine
i was driving anyways and didn't want to fight
so i ignored it....
which apparently was the wrong thing to do
i literally feel boys right now. when girls say something but mean the exact opposite thing...
so she texts me again!!! of course
how was i "dragging her"
i wasn't trying to give her a reality check, i wanted to expand the conversation.
i didn't know who abby was and i genuinely believe that his sister saw her post and wanted to know who courtney was.
i didn't ask how she knew courtney was special
i didnt say that
in any way shape or form
jeez im so mad i just need to get this all out
she acts like i have purposely given her a "reality check" to put her in a "terrible sense of reality"
it gets worse.
how was i inconsiderate
pardon me for hanging out in space, didn't realize i had no sense of mind. CLEARLY my mind is in another place, obviously i'm stupid and don't know anything. that's why i need to be brought back to earth am i right
ok first of all she did mis-read my text, adding in "just" absolutely does make it seem like it was a miniscule thing that led his sister to adding her on facebook.
"haha okay"
dude that's like the rudest thing you can say in the middle on an argument
and i wasn't trying to point out an alternate reality of it. once again i say, i just wanted to expand the conversation
and i'm the only friend who does that ;-) good lovely. something i dont even do but i'm being accused of
so she says she has to go. she says bye. again.
so.... i ignore it........???
five minutes later she texts me again
she says i'm unbelievable, quotes ME.....
"coming off the wrong way" and "misreading the message" are EQUIVALENT
they mean the same thing
you would misread a message if a person portrayed it the wrong way
not that i even think i portrayed anything wrong...
but she's not going to budge so here i am apologizing for something i don't believe i need to apologize for.
im frustrated that she keeps telling me she doesnt want to talk but then she does. im literally on I-35 trying not to swerve as i reply to her demanding, hurtful messages
I DID NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS
PRETTY SURE I STARTED CRYING HERE I WAS SO CONFUSED
i know this is a personal blog and probably no one will ever see this but lemme know if u think im psycho or if shes attacking me.
i do not want to put her in some harsh reality. which i have already acknowledged.
i do not want to "put her in her place"
that would be so mean... i don't understand
how can "she probably saw your post" which... she probably did..... and "how do you know" turn into this entire debacle?
i genuinely feel like she makes things up in her head just to have something to fight and cry about.
i'm not trying to take away her hope or happiness and im definitely not tantalizing her about anything.
AND I NEVER SAID HER POST WASNT SPECIAL. IN FACT IT WAS SO LONG AND DETAILED THAT IT MAKES SENSE THAT ABBY ADDED HER. WHY WOULD I SAY THAT IT WASNT SPECIAL
at this point i really really want to blow up but thats not fair. shes going through a lot and i cant. im not allowed to. in fact, i'm never allowed to be upset about anything. her problems always trump mine. i always have to be there for her. i stopped telling her what's going on in my life because she'll just get mad at me because she's "going through a lot." then she finds out i didn't tell her something months later and then she's mad again because i didn't tell her. there is zero ways to win with this girl. she always has to be right. i've never seen her accept defeat or even just say "ok i'm wrong." she will either fight her way to the end or pretend she's sad so you end up feeling bad so you end up apologizing. that, my friends, is my friendship with courtney crews. i am never in control and i always have to tiptoe around her feelings. it's bizarre.
this one hurt me the most.
she pulled out something i had told her months ago and used it against me. completely out of context. recently i went to a conference called MSC Abbott that talked about leadership and how we should ask our peers for constructive criticism and rather than victimizing ourselves and fighting back on everything they say, to take it with a grain of salt, come back, and ask "am I doing better?"it was a conference that affected me in more ways any sort of retreat ever had. I cried when I told courtney about my experience here. and she took it, warped it, and used it against me.
i can't even write this anymore
Courtney's friend died recently. I didn't know him. Apparently they liked each other a while back. I never really heard about him from her other than one time when she told me that he liked her and she wasn't about it. So I was shocked to see how upset she was when he died. I know this sounds completely inconsiderate. I just didn't know they were actually good friends. I felt like I would've heard about him more if they were... I don't know. But because I didn't know, I just went with it. I believed what she said. I could see her hurting. I let her vent to me over and over about the same things. What was frustrating though was that I would provide advice or just my opinion on what she would say and she would completely disregard what I said and continue to talk about herself. That bothered me but really, what right do I have to ask for acknowledgement when she's going through this? So I let it go. I didn't really talk to her the next few days. I figured she needed her space. I could tell she was frustrated with everything I was saying and she was just running in circles saying the same thing over and over. She was in France when all of this happened so on the day she came back to America I texted her saying I couldn't wait for her to be back. She was being short with me, which I didn't really understand either. I understood that she was going through a lot but that doesn't really give you an excuse to treat anyone differently. I told her that I was going to give her space and time to heal but she proceeded to tell me more. She told me his little sister added Court on Facebook, guessing that she knew who Courtney was.
I thought, let me expand this conversation, I feel like she wants to talk about it. How did you know you were the only one? Then she got short again. Believe me when I say I was just as shocked as you are re-reading this. I was driving home from Dallas after dealing with some family stuff, trying to reply in a timely manner to all of this:
"it was a stupid thought to think thanks for the reminder"
WHAT!??!?!?! DID I SAY IT WAS STUPID???!!! i literally just asked how she knew
now apparently i am so inconsiderate, and i always think of the worst possible outcome when she's trying to have hope.
how can she make that assumption............ out of a question i asked........................ im livid just typing this blog post up
she adds in the fact that shes not the only person who thinks that was inconsiderate
so who is she talking to about our conversation? idk but i'm pretty sure she's misreading my messages
so she says "bye i dont want to talk"
which was rude
but i was like okay thats fine
i was driving anyways and didn't want to fight
so i ignored it....
which apparently was the wrong thing to do
i literally feel boys right now. when girls say something but mean the exact opposite thing...
so she texts me again!!! of course
how was i "dragging her"
i wasn't trying to give her a reality check, i wanted to expand the conversation.
i didn't know who abby was and i genuinely believe that his sister saw her post and wanted to know who courtney was.
i didn't ask how she knew courtney was special
i didnt say that
in any way shape or form
jeez im so mad i just need to get this all out
she acts like i have purposely given her a "reality check" to put her in a "terrible sense of reality"
it gets worse.
how was i inconsiderate
pardon me for hanging out in space, didn't realize i had no sense of mind. CLEARLY my mind is in another place, obviously i'm stupid and don't know anything. that's why i need to be brought back to earth am i right
ok first of all she did mis-read my text, adding in "just" absolutely does make it seem like it was a miniscule thing that led his sister to adding her on facebook.
"haha okay"
dude that's like the rudest thing you can say in the middle on an argument
and i wasn't trying to point out an alternate reality of it. once again i say, i just wanted to expand the conversation
and i'm the only friend who does that ;-) good lovely. something i dont even do but i'm being accused of
so she says she has to go. she says bye. again.
so.... i ignore it........???
five minutes later she texts me again
she says i'm unbelievable, quotes ME.....
"coming off the wrong way" and "misreading the message" are EQUIVALENT
they mean the same thing
you would misread a message if a person portrayed it the wrong way
not that i even think i portrayed anything wrong...
but she's not going to budge so here i am apologizing for something i don't believe i need to apologize for.
im frustrated that she keeps telling me she doesnt want to talk but then she does. im literally on I-35 trying not to swerve as i reply to her demanding, hurtful messages
I DID NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS
PRETTY SURE I STARTED CRYING HERE I WAS SO CONFUSED
i know this is a personal blog and probably no one will ever see this but lemme know if u think im psycho or if shes attacking me.
i do not want to put her in some harsh reality. which i have already acknowledged.
i do not want to "put her in her place"
that would be so mean... i don't understand
how can "she probably saw your post" which... she probably did..... and "how do you know" turn into this entire debacle?
i genuinely feel like she makes things up in her head just to have something to fight and cry about.
i'm not trying to take away her hope or happiness and im definitely not tantalizing her about anything.
AND I NEVER SAID HER POST WASNT SPECIAL. IN FACT IT WAS SO LONG AND DETAILED THAT IT MAKES SENSE THAT ABBY ADDED HER. WHY WOULD I SAY THAT IT WASNT SPECIAL
at this point i really really want to blow up but thats not fair. shes going through a lot and i cant. im not allowed to. in fact, i'm never allowed to be upset about anything. her problems always trump mine. i always have to be there for her. i stopped telling her what's going on in my life because she'll just get mad at me because she's "going through a lot." then she finds out i didn't tell her something months later and then she's mad again because i didn't tell her. there is zero ways to win with this girl. she always has to be right. i've never seen her accept defeat or even just say "ok i'm wrong." she will either fight her way to the end or pretend she's sad so you end up feeling bad so you end up apologizing. that, my friends, is my friendship with courtney crews. i am never in control and i always have to tiptoe around her feelings. it's bizarre.
this one hurt me the most.
she pulled out something i had told her months ago and used it against me. completely out of context. recently i went to a conference called MSC Abbott that talked about leadership and how we should ask our peers for constructive criticism and rather than victimizing ourselves and fighting back on everything they say, to take it with a grain of salt, come back, and ask "am I doing better?"it was a conference that affected me in more ways any sort of retreat ever had. I cried when I told courtney about my experience here. and she took it, warped it, and used it against me.
i can't even write this anymore
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Caroline Killian
The day I was leaving Europe I got a call from Makenna. I missed it and she insisted that I call back. When I answered, all I heard was tears. She told me "CK is dead."
It was a quick call. Probably lasted about 58 seconds. I knew she had been in an accident with her boyfriend Cole but I had no idea how bad it was. I was at a loss for words.
Let me tell you about Caroline Killian.
We were in Camp Ghinelli together. And while we weren't all that fond of the camp itself, we were fond of each other. I remember on Rev night when I sat next to Caroline and she was so bubbly. I hid under my turtle shell as she asked me question after question. I thought, who is this girl? I thought she for sure was a third-year counselor. That night I realized she was the same age as me. I was intimidated yet inspired. A girl who barely knew these people had such confidence to be herself. She was empowering. Anything she said, everyone agreed with. She had a natural magnetic pull to herself. She was "bigblueeyes" to us. Her eyes truly were the biggest, bluest, brightest eyes you had ever seen. At one of our hangouts we realized how confusing it must have been having two Carolines in camp. She said, "call me CK! I like it better anyways." I remember that day pretty well. She insisted on playing with my hair. I sat in front of her feet as she twiddled with my hair left and right. She was always good at that- making people feel included. CK knew no strangers. Everyone was a friend. She radiated. Her smile stretched a mile long. She was kind, she was gentle. She loved how Jesus intends for us to love.
I found an email thread that we once had. It was a thread of the three major values you held most dear. Here is what she said.
It was a quick call. Probably lasted about 58 seconds. I knew she had been in an accident with her boyfriend Cole but I had no idea how bad it was. I was at a loss for words.
Let me tell you about Caroline Killian.
We were in Camp Ghinelli together. And while we weren't all that fond of the camp itself, we were fond of each other. I remember on Rev night when I sat next to Caroline and she was so bubbly. I hid under my turtle shell as she asked me question after question. I thought, who is this girl? I thought she for sure was a third-year counselor. That night I realized she was the same age as me. I was intimidated yet inspired. A girl who barely knew these people had such confidence to be herself. She was empowering. Anything she said, everyone agreed with. She had a natural magnetic pull to herself. She was "bigblueeyes" to us. Her eyes truly were the biggest, bluest, brightest eyes you had ever seen. At one of our hangouts we realized how confusing it must have been having two Carolines in camp. She said, "call me CK! I like it better anyways." I remember that day pretty well. She insisted on playing with my hair. I sat in front of her feet as she twiddled with my hair left and right. She was always good at that- making people feel included. CK knew no strangers. Everyone was a friend. She radiated. Her smile stretched a mile long. She was kind, she was gentle. She loved how Jesus intends for us to love.
I found an email thread that we once had. It was a thread of the three major values you held most dear. Here is what she said.
She was kind. She turned the biggest frown upside down. It was a magical power she had, I'm telling you. She was funny. She made you laugh until your stomach hurt. She was serious yet fun all the time.
She was accepting. She would never judge and loved us all for who we were. She listened intently and gave advice.
The last one hit me hard- she was positive. In every situation. That's when I realized, CK would hate the fact that we're all crying over her right now. She wants nothing but our happiness. We all mourn in our own way but if it were CK's decision, we wouldn't be sad right now. We would be happy she lived her life the way she did. She would want us to remember her for who she was and not to let this bring us down. So for that, I stay stronger than I would have.
I've never been so sure that someone was in heaven until you, CK. I don't know how heaven works or if you can read anything that I'm writing but I miss you already. You were my first friend in Ghinelli. You are my forever friend- forever will just be put on pause. I know God has opened his arms up for you. I bet heaven is kick-ass. Kyle is hurting. A lot. He misses you more than he can bear, I can see it. I've been taking care of him, the way I think you would have. I hope you can help bring him some peace with your passing. I'm sorry we didn't stay close for longer, CK. Thank you for changing all of our lives. I get chills hearing your name now. I can't wait for your service- it's going to be beautiful.
XOXO.
6/29/2017
It's been a while since I've done this. Maybe it's because I've been busy. Maybe it's because I'm scared to document every single day's worth of thoughts.
A slight recap-
Brandon and I had a great time. Went on a date, hung out. But I left for Europe. We didn't talk for two weeks. Turns out he went on a date with his ex-girlfriend. I can't compete. I can't compare. And I don't blame him all too much... when you've dated someone for three years, it's hard to let go. I get that. I just wish I had heard it from him, rather than hearing it from Kim who saw Sydney's snapchat story. I lost a lot of respect for him, I guess. I still think he's a really great guy.
Europe was phenomenal. We began in London. We saw Big Ben. We traveled to Paris, where we saw the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Lock Gate and the Arc de Triumph. Oh and don't forget Co Van bought 2 Louis Vuittons at Champs de Elysses. What a woman... We celebrated Dad's birthday at this weird karaoke restaurant in Paris. He seems happy. Then the tour began. We head to Frankfurt, Germany, where Duy and I matched. We went on a river cruise to see the city. We saw a part of the Berlin wall. In Prague, Czech Republic we saw a beautiful church and in the square, we got to see the clock that danced at noon. We head to Budapest, Hungary where we took another cruise. I can tell Co Lan is frustrated by Rosa. Salzburg, Austria was one of my favorite destinations. We got to see parts of where the Sound of Music was filmed. In Vienna, we visit a palace and a garden. How many palaces can we manage to fit in 14 days? We visited Mozart's museum. In Switzerland, we went to Mount Titlis (don't forget how much Vy was laughing and her nostrils flaring). It was beautiful there. I wish we had gotten to stay longer. I ran into Brenna Smith, 5th grade best friend, up in the glacier. How crazy is that?
The day before we left for Europe, I was informed that Minh had shoplifted a lighter and chocolate liquor. What was he thinking?? I probably shouldn't have reacted the way I had but I was furious. I had been defending him to Dustin, saying he's better. Turns out I was completely wrong. I don't know how to help anymore. I'm stuck. I could never tell his mom and there's only so much hold I have over him.
Europe was phenomenal. We began in London. We saw Big Ben. We traveled to Paris, where we saw the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Lock Gate and the Arc de Triumph. Oh and don't forget Co Van bought 2 Louis Vuittons at Champs de Elysses. What a woman... We celebrated Dad's birthday at this weird karaoke restaurant in Paris. He seems happy. Then the tour began. We head to Frankfurt, Germany, where Duy and I matched. We went on a river cruise to see the city. We saw a part of the Berlin wall. In Prague, Czech Republic we saw a beautiful church and in the square, we got to see the clock that danced at noon. We head to Budapest, Hungary where we took another cruise. I can tell Co Lan is frustrated by Rosa. Salzburg, Austria was one of my favorite destinations. We got to see parts of where the Sound of Music was filmed. In Vienna, we visit a palace and a garden. How many palaces can we manage to fit in 14 days? We visited Mozart's museum. In Switzerland, we went to Mount Titlis (don't forget how much Vy was laughing and her nostrils flaring). It was beautiful there. I wish we had gotten to stay longer. I ran into Brenna Smith, 5th grade best friend, up in the glacier. How crazy is that?
The day before we left for Europe, I was informed that Minh had shoplifted a lighter and chocolate liquor. What was he thinking?? I probably shouldn't have reacted the way I had but I was furious. I had been defending him to Dustin, saying he's better. Turns out I was completely wrong. I don't know how to help anymore. I'm stuck. I could never tell his mom and there's only so much hold I have over him.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
6/6/2017
Yesterday I got lunch with the girls. Dani was pretty upset, feeling left out. We were all talking about people that I guess she didn't know. She was hurt, but what could we do? It's not intentional and there's really no way we could have anticipated this. She's sensitive. I need to be careful with what I say or do around her.
After work I went to the gym... and boy was I out of breath. Maybe I'll try getting into a habit of it... (probably not). I'll just ask other people to go to the park with me or something along those lines.
Met up with Kyle at church. I can see that he's struggling. He wants to find love but maybe he isn't ready for it yet. I can't explain God's decisions. I will never fully understand what he intends for us... but I pray that Kyle can get past this.
I worry for the relationship with my mother. I worry that I'll never fully forgive her and she will never fully forgive me. Will I always resent her and her actions? I hope not.
After work I went to the gym... and boy was I out of breath. Maybe I'll try getting into a habit of it... (probably not). I'll just ask other people to go to the park with me or something along those lines.
Met up with Kyle at church. I can see that he's struggling. He wants to find love but maybe he isn't ready for it yet. I can't explain God's decisions. I will never fully understand what he intends for us... but I pray that Kyle can get past this.
I worry for the relationship with my mother. I worry that I'll never fully forgive her and she will never fully forgive me. Will I always resent her and her actions? I hope not.
Monday, June 5, 2017
6/5/2017
oops. Haven't been keeping up with this too well. Let me try to catch up a little bit.
I continued to go to daily mass during those last few days before I left for Dustin's graduation. I noticed something different- that there were so many imperfections around me, but still, in God's house. The seats were torn and the wood was scratched but that's something I've never noticed beforehand. Kinda funny how that works, isn't it? Imperfections, yet still accepted. God is such a cool person.
Dustin graduated. He's going to dental school soon. He is going to be a rockstar, y'all. I don't have a doubt in my mind that he's going to be successful, that he's going to fall in love and have a happy family. Anyone who gets to marry my brother is lucky as h**k. He's phenomenal.
The graduation party went well. Who doesn't love crawfish? Only silly people who haven't been exposed to the delicacy of it all. I've noticed a lot of weird things about Minh. He's quieter, he sleeps during the day more.
We head to California, to visit our parents. Dani came. Thank goodness, I don't know what I would have done without her. We visit San Francisco and took photos. I think Mom was happy, then. Then we all head to San Diego. I don't think I've been this embarrassed in a long time. I know that Mom has her issues with us, but to show it in front of Dani, who she barely knows... I was speechless. Dani continuously asked me why she was getting angry for no reason, and I didn't have anything to say. It's just something I'm used to now... There was one day where we went hiking and we were all tired and in desperate need of a shower. We asked to go home. Mom said, and I quote, "I don't want to be with you guys anymore. I'm happier by myself anyways. Cancel your trip back out here because I don't want you to come." I was so incredibly frustrated that she made such a big deal out of nothing. She proceeded to yell at us in front of Dani who clearly had nothing to say. Mom spent the entire week getting angry for no apparent reason. On the last day I couldn't take it. I cried. I told Dad that I couldn't take it anymore. His response? "Just deal with it."
.... what? how could he say that?
He told me that he has tried to talk to her before about her anger and it gets him no where. How is he okay with this? I don't know. She instigates problems that would never have existed had she not created them. She intentionally tears people down. She hurts me because she sees I'm the most vulnerable.
And I know that you're supposed to forgive and forget; to let go and let God. But goodness I can't help be frustrated. I cry, a lot. I don't want to go back. I don't care to see her. And that is awful. But what kind of mother could look me in the eye and tell me she didn't want to have me?
On my last day in California, I got a call from Quang. He says it's serious so I stepped outside. He told me that Minh had left the house and was trying to sneak back inside. At that moment I connected the dots. How could I have been so blind to miss this? Minh was doing drugs. He got in an argument with his mom about having a sleepover at a friend's house. His grades were dropping. He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping, he took long showers, he was... different. I'm mad I didn't see it before. I should've noticed the signs. When I got to Dallas that next day I asked him to his face, are you doing drugs? He laughed. He couldn't stop laughing. Is this because of the drugs? Or because he was afraid to be open to me? Was he using it as a mechanism to avoid the serious conversation? Either way, I repeated myself: "Minh, are you doing drugs?" He replied "Yeah, I was on bars last night."
I cried, again. I felt awful for missing such a big thing in his life. Was it that he didn't feel loved? Was is that he simply wasn't happy? Depression and drugs don't mix well at all. I'm worried. I've been that annoying cousin that reminds him daily about the dangers of drugs and how he needs to cool it. I can't fathom the idea of something happening to him and I knew he has been doing these drugs. I've tried everything... I've tried being nice, I've tried being harsh, I've tried offering alternate solutions. All he says is "love u!!!" as if I'll be satisfied with this agreement we've got going on. Dustin talked to him. He said "Are you doing drugs?" Minh said "Yes." Dustin said "I hope the next time I ask you, your answer is different." Me too, Dustin. Me too.
My favorite thing that has happened recently tho happened this Friday. An old friend and I rekindled. We talked, a lot. We walked to Fuego with some friends. He asked me to a movie, and obviously I said yes (he's super cute, too). On the walk home, we found an house still being built. We went inside, up the stairs, onto the roof. We laid there, watching the stars, talking about life. He told me about his family and we discussed religion and our futures. It was like some scene out of a movie... star gazing and talking about everything. We joked around about going on trips together and revealed what we were like in the past. We were both so vulnerable. It was so easy to get to know one another. He was genuinely sincere.
Last night he took me on a date. We began at church. It was raining so we basically ran to the church. It was his first time in 3-4 months to go. If this doesn't work out, at least he got back into his relationship with Christ. Afterwards, he told me I had a beautiful voice, which I thought was really sweet. I asked him, "so will you be going to church every week now?" he replied "if you go with me." Good sign, amirite? We rushed to our 8:40 movie which was sold out. Thank goodness tho because I haven't seen the first few Pirates of the Carribbean so how would I understand anything that was going on? We decided to see Snatched only to see that it was an awfully made movie hahaha! On the way home he asked me if I liked hunting. I told him I thought it would be fun, not that I had ever gone. He asked me if I'd like to go with him sometime. I said yeah of course, just tell me when and I'm there. He laughed a little and said well it won't be for a while, you can't really hunt in the summer. Was he making hints for the long run? Maybe. Sometime within it all we realized he had lost his keys. I drove him home and he kissed me good night. Immediately after I had left he texted me "Pirates numero uno tomorrow?" He's a good man. I'm completely smitten. Who would've thought I would've found a nice catholic boy who likes me too? I don't want to get my hopes up but I can't help but smile when I talk about him. I couldn't even sleep last night, I was just tossing and turning.
But don't let me get too invested. I think this boy is gonna break my heart one day.
I continued to go to daily mass during those last few days before I left for Dustin's graduation. I noticed something different- that there were so many imperfections around me, but still, in God's house. The seats were torn and the wood was scratched but that's something I've never noticed beforehand. Kinda funny how that works, isn't it? Imperfections, yet still accepted. God is such a cool person.
Dustin graduated. He's going to dental school soon. He is going to be a rockstar, y'all. I don't have a doubt in my mind that he's going to be successful, that he's going to fall in love and have a happy family. Anyone who gets to marry my brother is lucky as h**k. He's phenomenal.
The graduation party went well. Who doesn't love crawfish? Only silly people who haven't been exposed to the delicacy of it all. I've noticed a lot of weird things about Minh. He's quieter, he sleeps during the day more.
We head to California, to visit our parents. Dani came. Thank goodness, I don't know what I would have done without her. We visit San Francisco and took photos. I think Mom was happy, then. Then we all head to San Diego. I don't think I've been this embarrassed in a long time. I know that Mom has her issues with us, but to show it in front of Dani, who she barely knows... I was speechless. Dani continuously asked me why she was getting angry for no reason, and I didn't have anything to say. It's just something I'm used to now... There was one day where we went hiking and we were all tired and in desperate need of a shower. We asked to go home. Mom said, and I quote, "I don't want to be with you guys anymore. I'm happier by myself anyways. Cancel your trip back out here because I don't want you to come." I was so incredibly frustrated that she made such a big deal out of nothing. She proceeded to yell at us in front of Dani who clearly had nothing to say. Mom spent the entire week getting angry for no apparent reason. On the last day I couldn't take it. I cried. I told Dad that I couldn't take it anymore. His response? "Just deal with it."
.... what? how could he say that?
He told me that he has tried to talk to her before about her anger and it gets him no where. How is he okay with this? I don't know. She instigates problems that would never have existed had she not created them. She intentionally tears people down. She hurts me because she sees I'm the most vulnerable.
And I know that you're supposed to forgive and forget; to let go and let God. But goodness I can't help be frustrated. I cry, a lot. I don't want to go back. I don't care to see her. And that is awful. But what kind of mother could look me in the eye and tell me she didn't want to have me?
On my last day in California, I got a call from Quang. He says it's serious so I stepped outside. He told me that Minh had left the house and was trying to sneak back inside. At that moment I connected the dots. How could I have been so blind to miss this? Minh was doing drugs. He got in an argument with his mom about having a sleepover at a friend's house. His grades were dropping. He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping, he took long showers, he was... different. I'm mad I didn't see it before. I should've noticed the signs. When I got to Dallas that next day I asked him to his face, are you doing drugs? He laughed. He couldn't stop laughing. Is this because of the drugs? Or because he was afraid to be open to me? Was he using it as a mechanism to avoid the serious conversation? Either way, I repeated myself: "Minh, are you doing drugs?" He replied "Yeah, I was on bars last night."
I cried, again. I felt awful for missing such a big thing in his life. Was it that he didn't feel loved? Was is that he simply wasn't happy? Depression and drugs don't mix well at all. I'm worried. I've been that annoying cousin that reminds him daily about the dangers of drugs and how he needs to cool it. I can't fathom the idea of something happening to him and I knew he has been doing these drugs. I've tried everything... I've tried being nice, I've tried being harsh, I've tried offering alternate solutions. All he says is "love u!!!" as if I'll be satisfied with this agreement we've got going on. Dustin talked to him. He said "Are you doing drugs?" Minh said "Yes." Dustin said "I hope the next time I ask you, your answer is different." Me too, Dustin. Me too.
My favorite thing that has happened recently tho happened this Friday. An old friend and I rekindled. We talked, a lot. We walked to Fuego with some friends. He asked me to a movie, and obviously I said yes (he's super cute, too). On the walk home, we found an house still being built. We went inside, up the stairs, onto the roof. We laid there, watching the stars, talking about life. He told me about his family and we discussed religion and our futures. It was like some scene out of a movie... star gazing and talking about everything. We joked around about going on trips together and revealed what we were like in the past. We were both so vulnerable. It was so easy to get to know one another. He was genuinely sincere.
Last night he took me on a date. We began at church. It was raining so we basically ran to the church. It was his first time in 3-4 months to go. If this doesn't work out, at least he got back into his relationship with Christ. Afterwards, he told me I had a beautiful voice, which I thought was really sweet. I asked him, "so will you be going to church every week now?" he replied "if you go with me." Good sign, amirite? We rushed to our 8:40 movie which was sold out. Thank goodness tho because I haven't seen the first few Pirates of the Carribbean so how would I understand anything that was going on? We decided to see Snatched only to see that it was an awfully made movie hahaha! On the way home he asked me if I liked hunting. I told him I thought it would be fun, not that I had ever gone. He asked me if I'd like to go with him sometime. I said yeah of course, just tell me when and I'm there. He laughed a little and said well it won't be for a while, you can't really hunt in the summer. Was he making hints for the long run? Maybe. Sometime within it all we realized he had lost his keys. I drove him home and he kissed me good night. Immediately after I had left he texted me "Pirates numero uno tomorrow?" He's a good man. I'm completely smitten. Who would've thought I would've found a nice catholic boy who likes me too? I don't want to get my hopes up but I can't help but smile when I talk about him. I couldn't even sleep last night, I was just tossing and turning.
But don't let me get too invested. I think this boy is gonna break my heart one day.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Summer 2017
Every day:
Read a chapter in the bible/book of your choice
Daily mass
Work out 30 mins
Shower
Oil hair
Blow Dry
Pluck eyebrows
Floss
Brush teeth
Mouthwash
Wash face
Use cleansing pad
Moisturize
Eye cream
Lotion
Read a chapter in the bible/book of your choice
Daily mass
Work out 30 mins
Shower
Oil hair
Blow Dry
Pluck eyebrows
Floss
Brush teeth
Mouthwash
Wash face
Use cleansing pad
Moisturize
Eye cream
Lotion
5/8/2017
5/8/2017
This day I went to work. At work, Dani's mom called me to tell me that her dog had passed away on Thursday. They hadn't told Dani yet. She asked me to tell her when Dani left College Station. Dani and I got lunch. She seems happy. She has a lot going on in her life but she manages to stay positive. Back to work...
I decided I was going to go to daily mass at 5:30. It was a lot shorter than I had anticipated. Father talked about the good shepherd, who opens the gates for those who are deserving. Only thieves and robbers try to enter from elsewhere. A bad shepherd would run when their sheep were being attacked. Only the good shepherd would lead us out of disaster. Communion was about The Lord saying "I have given this up for you. Take it." Each time I repeated "I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed," I had this feeling go through my body. Is this the Lord talking to me? Father said "I've never heard God talk to me through my ears, rather through actions and through other people." I am undeserving but deserving all at the same time.
I went to sell an old purse to a local aggie. I went to the gym, unknowing how weak I truly was. I came home, took a shower then hung out with my roommates and their loud friends. In the end, I shouldn't complain about anything.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
5/7/2017
5/7/2017: The start of my summer journal.
Today I went to church by myself. The worst part is, I didn't even want to go. I woke up at 9:30 with the intention of going to the 10 AM mass, and found myself laying in bed knowing that I had missed mass. I went to lunch with my littles, Olivia and Ashleigh then came home. I wasn't doing anything important at all, really. As 5:00 rolled around I decided I was going to go. I went. By myself. And I don't know why but I have this fear of doing anything alone. Not the idea of doing it alone, rather, the idea of running into someone who sees me doing it alone. A pride thing? Maybe. Regardless, I went. I was 10 minutes early, found myself in a pew near the back. I couldn't bring myself to sit near the front. How hypocritical of me would it be to miss mass for weeks then to sit in the front? I am so undeserving. I prayed- for some sort of self peace. I prayed that I would be rid of the devil and filled with Him. I repeated it over and over and over. I know and understand that I have been letting the devil fill my mind with thoughts and ideas and letting him push me to make decisions that I know the Lord does not approve of- drinking, skipping church, not praying... I found that I can go days without even thinking of Jesus. What kind of person have I become? And then I realized. I am so selfish. All I was thinking about was me. I am so undeserving but He is so forgiving. He is almighty. He is selfless and loves each and every one os us completely. Why am I thinking about myself when there are people out there that don't know about God's love? How can I even compare my pain to those who don't even know there's everlasting life? I have this fear of going to church alone. But I think from now on, I'll invite someone to go with me. The Lord wants us to spread His gospel and the best way to do that is to show them the grace of God.
I recorded a song with Jadha. A song we sang years ago.
I got dinner with Ally, and we talked about keeping each other accountable this summer and for time to come.
Today I went to church by myself. The worst part is, I didn't even want to go. I woke up at 9:30 with the intention of going to the 10 AM mass, and found myself laying in bed knowing that I had missed mass. I went to lunch with my littles, Olivia and Ashleigh then came home. I wasn't doing anything important at all, really. As 5:00 rolled around I decided I was going to go. I went. By myself. And I don't know why but I have this fear of doing anything alone. Not the idea of doing it alone, rather, the idea of running into someone who sees me doing it alone. A pride thing? Maybe. Regardless, I went. I was 10 minutes early, found myself in a pew near the back. I couldn't bring myself to sit near the front. How hypocritical of me would it be to miss mass for weeks then to sit in the front? I am so undeserving. I prayed- for some sort of self peace. I prayed that I would be rid of the devil and filled with Him. I repeated it over and over and over. I know and understand that I have been letting the devil fill my mind with thoughts and ideas and letting him push me to make decisions that I know the Lord does not approve of- drinking, skipping church, not praying... I found that I can go days without even thinking of Jesus. What kind of person have I become? And then I realized. I am so selfish. All I was thinking about was me. I am so undeserving but He is so forgiving. He is almighty. He is selfless and loves each and every one os us completely. Why am I thinking about myself when there are people out there that don't know about God's love? How can I even compare my pain to those who don't even know there's everlasting life? I have this fear of going to church alone. But I think from now on, I'll invite someone to go with me. The Lord wants us to spread His gospel and the best way to do that is to show them the grace of God.
I recorded a song with Jadha. A song we sang years ago.
I got dinner with Ally, and we talked about keeping each other accountable this summer and for time to come.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
brielles love life
Michelle Hoang:
its 2:34 am in college station
and youre stuck between a lot of different things
your love life....
who do u want?
ur career....
what do u want?
you’re not really all too sure
what you do know though is that you have friends that you’ll never forget
you begin the next year living with 4 little shits
naturally, you get really annoyed of shiv
but it is what it is because you love her to the end
rachel is a little too aggressive w you too
you start talking to a new guy, brandon
(i know... how close)
and rachel, being the BITCH that she can be
says hey look
you can do BETTER
he’s ugly
according to rachel
but everyone else tells you hes cut
e
so he has to be
right????
so he asks u out
u give it a shot
u had met on ng
one of those nights that meesh made u go on
dancing at FOUNDIES
idk what we were doing there either
you really had to pee
so u told me
so i said ok
lets go
we walk to the bathroom
slam the door open
only t orealize that its the bOYS bathroom
weird right
didnt notice until the dude at the urinal said HEY
so
we said hey too
he frantically washes his hands
we drunkenly say its ok
we dont mind
we end the night at antonios (where we began our love around april 10th)
since its a saturday, we wake up the next morning for church
we are sinners tbh
we shouldnt be allowed to be here
we go to church and GUESS WHO WE SEE
URINAL MAN
but hey
he looks good in sundays best
but ur too nervous
ur too awkward to say anything
or even make eye contact
so we leave church
and go to....
chuys
where we meet up w shiv
(you and me and shiv not the other guy)
we get our queso and salsa and creamy and enchiladas whatever
the waitress comes by and says he
hey
this drink was ordered for u
holy fuckkkkkk
for who
from who
we look around.... could it be????
true love?????????
at first sight?????????
u get a tap on the shoulder
(i have already seen who it is bc im sitting across from u)
but its not brandon....
its braeden
he says
hey
its been so long
u say yeah
i miss u
he says we should hang out some time
sounds good
but ur heartbroken
over urinal man
but nothing ever happens
the year passes
we all move to our condo in dallas
we have weekly wine nights
and for some damn reason
you and shiv still talk in the staff gm for flex
we’re 24.......
but naturally u invite everyone one week for our wine night
who shows up???? no one important really
a couple people here in there
nathan stewart, even tho he lives in arlington
and
its 11:30 pm
the doorbell rings
who even knew we HAD a doorbell
we’re all pretty drunk so
i mean i couldnt get up
neither could u
so shiv (who is always weirdly the most sober) gets up to get the door
she says omg!!!!!!!
shes so excited!
its our friend.....
RUSSELL!!!!!
russell looks good tho
he’s gotten some weight on him
in a good way
still has that beautiful smile and blue eyes
but tonight... something is different to you
he seems.... charming?
he comes up to u and says
hey partz
u being awkward ass u
u say, hello
who THE FUCK says hello nowadays
ur drunk
u dont really know whats going on
but he holds you in a way that u havent been held in years
uve learned to be pretty independent man
but he looks at you in a way that people havent in a while
he says “you look... different”
ure appalled
wtf do u mean different
he says wait no!!!
i meant in a good way!!!
you storm off
you’re so drunk that u end up locking urself OUT of your room
you’re mad
you’re standing outside of your own room, pouting
you are so overwhelmed with your life
you’re still lost on what your path is
you break down and cry
you sink to the floor
wiping away your own tears as the rest of the squad is partying to “party in the usa”
as u begin to cry more, a hand lifts your chin up
“brielle”
“what do you want”
“you”
he leans in and kisses you
you’ve always thought russell was a good guy
and you’re kind of tipsy
so you say... why not?
you kiss him back
and as you throw your arms around him he pulls back and says “you’re worth the wait”
he goes home
its midnight
and another ring at the door
they sound kind of rowdy
so u look thru the peephole
who is it?????
take a guess
Brielle Ferdinand:
Ethan & Trey
Michelle Hoang:
nope
its braeden and his roommates
wtf is he doing here
was he even on staff back in the day????
AND GUESS WHO HE BROUGHT
abby glatman
she was one of those ppl who u always HAD to deal w
but never really wanted to deal w
so they waltz in and braeden has his damn facial hard ugly asss shit
hair
hair
ur mad russell left so ur kind of aggressive
“your face looks like shit”
“you look like shit”
in a drunken anger, you throw yourself at him
lemme just say
that night was full of mistakes
the next morning u wake up w him by your side
what the helllllllllll
shiv and meesh are literally at the door when u open it
shiv hands meesh 10$ saying fuck you were right
u say
right about what
we walk away laughing
we sit down for breakfast
quesadillas for breakfast, you heard me right
braeden wakes up and decides to join us (?????!!!!)
we look at him and say
no
nope
not today
pick up his things
send him out the door
“but... brielle!!
“
you’re ashamed and cant look up
dont worry bb we got u we got him out the door
theres a voicemail
omg
why do we have a landline
we listen to it on loud speaker
“hey....
this is brandon. i don’t know if you remember this but we met one night at foundies a couple years ago and i saw ur number in the church yellowpages”
wtf
why do we have one of those too
whatever
“but i was wondering if you wanted to get dinner sometime?”
“call me”
the voicemail ends
the next one begins to play
“hey brielle its russell. just wanted to say i really liked seeing you last night. lets go out soon.”
the next voicemail plays
“hey its brandon sorry i forgot to leave my number!!! 555-3849345”
7
not 7
what a ROLLER COASTER
clay (my beloved boyfriend of the time) just walked in as our jaws are hanging from our heads
“what just happened”
someone knocks on the door
its
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
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abby glatman
she storms in
she starts babbling
u know how she is
she starts explaining everything thats going on in her life
that she spilled her coffee and that she was late to work and she tripped over a dog
it was a rough day
but then she goes on to say that she has been stressed
why is she telling you this????
i know you’re wondering that
clay tells me he needs to tell me something
“look clay now’s not really the time”
“no michelle i have to tell you now”
abby is still babbling
she talks about how her feet hurt and shes tired and she hates boys
“michelle... its about abby”
“ok fine whats up”
abby starts confronting brielle about braeden
about their night
about what theyve done
about how she felt betrayed
betrayed??????
why?????
“michelle... abby is pregnant”
“and its braeden’s”
abby tells us about how she loves braeden but he doesnt know shes pregnant yet
she plans to hide it
until she decides what shes going to do
u stop talking to braeden
its not like he called the next day anyways
in fact, he never called
are we sad?
i mean yeah, kinda...
we liked him once upon a time
and its still heart breaking
you go on dates with brandon
and russell
who says you have to commit from the start?
theyre different
theyre good in their own ways
brandon takes you out to the carnival.
you share your cotton candy
he wins you a stuffed fish
lol who even wants a stuffed fish
but you love it anyways
brandon takes you on adventures
you go hiking
you go camping
but the hard part was that he never told you he loved you
russell was a gentleman
russell took you on dates
he held your hand
he bought a bottle of chardonnay (that youve learned to love) on your 2 month anniversary
he buys you chocolates and roses
he opens doors for you
he loves you.
thats the difference.
you know he loves you.
time comes where they want you to pick one
and you don’t know what to do
and youre stuck between a lot of different things
your love life....
who do u want?
you tell them you need time
brandon is upset
russell says... “you’re worth the wait”
you come home to our condo
we welcome u w shitty white moscato
we make a trip to college station
why?
because we’re going to FOUNDIES
clay drives bc i luv him hes so gr8
we make it to foundies and run straight to the mens room
we have to make our mark
we pull out the sharpies from our back pockets
we write “FUCK YOU WORLD” on the wall
draw a heart around it
sign it -bsm
we walk out
and guess who’s there
braeden
dun
dun
dun
(btw you are like killing it at ur job whatever ur doing... ur getting to be really rich dont worry)
hes drunk going to the bathroom
drunkenly, we take our sharpies
and mark it all over his face!!!!
haha!
clay is waiting for us on the dance floor
we grab him and run
straight into.....
abby glatman
shes not pregnant
what the actualllllll hell????????
i drunkenly call her out
call her a liar
and a cheat
and a bitch
shiv falls over bc shes drunk
but accidentally falls into abby
abby thinks its a fight
so she starts throwing punches
straight into.....
your face
haha
clay holds u back
ur a dangerous woman u know
braeden comes outside
why tf are they still in cstat???
we’re 24....
theyre LOSERS
thats why
braeden starts yelling at abby
calling her a slut
abby attacks back
saying she never loved him anyways
braeden looks really dumb btw bc he has sharpie on his face
abby slaps braeden
leaving a big red hand print on his face
clay breaks it up like the man he is
clay says “hey hey hey break it up whats the issue here”
braeden yells “abby ruined my relationship with brielle!!!!”
brielle is so awkard, dont forget
so she just stand there
stands
abby begins to cry
braeden continues to yell
saying
brielle is so beautiful and wonderful and deserves the world
abby is sobbing
braeden yells “what!? why are you crying!?”
abby replies “because i was pregnant”
it struck us all
he didnt know
was it an abortion???
a miscarriage???
the world may never know
jk im about to tell u
his face sunk to the ground
to the ground i tell ya
we all dont know what to do
so we comfort abby
we make it back to dallas
and theres a voicemail
you click play
“hey...
it’s russell. i just wanted to call and see how you were doing. i know i never told you this but i love you. i want you. i want to be with you. forever and always. and i dont care what it takes. ill wait for you. you’re worth the wait”
you bust into tears
you’re so lost with your love life you don’t even know what to do
see with russell you know he would take care of you forever
you knew he loved you
you knew he would respect you
and love your family
but with brandon, things were... different
you were spontaneous
you were adventerous
you were... fun
brandon was the kind of man that is going to be an amazing dad one day
he will take your daughter dancing
and he’ll take your son shooting
and he’ll take your daughter to the cotilion
(?)
you take the night to yourself
you sit in your room, with the lights off, staring into the nothingness
clay shiv and i (and jt on facetime) are sitting in the living room contemplating how we can help u out
but we know what you’re going to choose
i mean... we all know
you wake up the next morning knowing exactly what youre going to do
you call him up and say hey meet me at the coffee shop on 29th
you’re sitting there, nervous, not ready for what is about to happen
he walks in
“hey.... im so glad to hear from you”
“me too”
“how have you been?”
“a lot has been going on.”
“i saved a bottle of chardonnay for you”
its russell
“i have something i want to say. and i dont want you to say anything until im done.”
he nods and smiles
this man loves you more than anyone and you can tell
“i just cant do this.”
he begins to twiddle his fingers, fighting back the tears
“okay”
“and its not that i dont love you too, because i do. more than you’ll ever know.
you have treated me like a lady. like a princess. the way that i hope you get to treat your wife one day.
you love me in ways i didnt even know i could be loved.
you found the best parts of me that i never beliveed in”
“i understand”
“you always said that i was worth the wait. but see russell what you dont know is that someone is out there waiting for YOU. theres a girl out there that is waiting for you to sweep her off her feet. you’re the one who’s worth waiting for”
one last kiss goodbye. you’re really sad.... you lost a loved one
when you come home, theres a walkway of rose petals
straight to your door
you grin
when you get to the door theres a card that reads “check your voicemail”
inside, there is a bouquet of roses
you listen to the voice mail
“brielle. to the love of my life. i know i dont show it well but you mean so much to me and i dont know where i’d be without you. tonight, meet me at the church at 5 PM. and bring our thing. you should know what i’m talking about.”
you go out to the church at 5:05 bc when are u not late...
hes there in a suit and tie
smiling at you
church is about to start
he kisses you
he says “did you bring it?”
you grin
“yes of course my love”
you pull out the stuffed fish
❤️
after church you go to the carnival together
and on the top of the ferris wheel he kisses you and says “will you marry me?”
fighting back tears you say yes yes of course
you have a beautiful wedding
im ur maid of honor ok
clay is the best man
we go on a lot of double dates to this day
still have wine nights
you have 2 beautiful kids
brandon is perfect
you grow old together
raise your grandkids together
and love
together
the end
Monday, February 13, 2017
today was a rough day for me. i found out that gilbert is officially dating olivia. and what's funny is that I had never wanted him until I realized I didn't have the option to. allow me to begin from the start.
gilbert bermea, fish camp partner. may be one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. we would share secrets with each other, laugh with each other, even cry with each other. he's the kind of person that I would call when I was lost or scared. one of the first that i would tell when something exciting happened. never really thought much of it, in fact, i think i was so hung up over in the past relationship i had been in that i didn't see what was right in front of my eyes. i took him for granted. i refused to believe what i knew was standing right in front of me.
during fish camp i shared some secrets with our DG, the smallest yet biggest one was that i've always had confidence issues- in finding that I am enough for the people that surround me, that i am smart enough, that i am pretty enough, that i am good enough to love and be loved. this is not something that i share with people often. this is something that i struggle with every single day and i told our DG in faith that they would understand and feel compelled to open up, as well.
what i didn't realize, though, was that gilbert... he listened to every word i said. if i told him that i liked a song, he would play it for me the next time i saw him. if i mentioned that i had an exam in 2 weeks, he would ask me how it went the day of. as much as i'd like to believe that i am an intentional person, he is the definition thereof. this man kept up with me. weeks later he reminded me that i am more than enough and that i shouldn't have confidence issues. he always reminds me how amazing i am and that i have nothing to worry about.
around mid august, i got a text from gil. "i'm in love with you"
it was 2:37am what was i supposed to believe?? here was my thought process: he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. i ignored the text. i waited until late the next day to respond saying "wait what"
opened up my snap chat to a picture of him saying "i'm in love with you"
ok so it wasnt just one of his friends texting off of his phone... it was him... maybe it wasn't real
but it happened again
and again
and again
and every single time, he was drunk. belligerently so
don't get me wrong, it wasn't that i didn't like him in the same way, it was that i didn't like that SIDE of him. he got aggressive when he drank, he yelled at people and threatened to fight other guys and it simply wasn't something that i could see being okay in our relationship. so i turned a blind eye. i pretended that i didn't know he really liked me. i convinced myself that he was just drunk and i wasn't truly the love of his life. i told myself that if he really wanted me, he would better himself first.
so i waited.
but it looks like i waited too long.
today, gilbert is dating a new girl.
i asked gilbert if he felt the same way about me when he was sober. he told me that he was so into me during and after camp. key word: was.
i haven;t cried that much in a long time. a very very long time. i missed my shot. like i always do. i was so upset. the worst part is that he treats olivia exactly how i wanted to be treated. he skips his frat parties to hang out with her. it doesnt take half a bottle of whiskey for him to tell her he likes her. he takes her on dates. he is the most respectable man i have ever met in my life and i don't know if i'll ever find anyone like this man again. what i didn't know is that i was in love with him, too. i was just too scared to admit it. turns out i had everything to worry about.
gilbert bermea, fish camp partner. may be one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. we would share secrets with each other, laugh with each other, even cry with each other. he's the kind of person that I would call when I was lost or scared. one of the first that i would tell when something exciting happened. never really thought much of it, in fact, i think i was so hung up over in the past relationship i had been in that i didn't see what was right in front of my eyes. i took him for granted. i refused to believe what i knew was standing right in front of me.
during fish camp i shared some secrets with our DG, the smallest yet biggest one was that i've always had confidence issues- in finding that I am enough for the people that surround me, that i am smart enough, that i am pretty enough, that i am good enough to love and be loved. this is not something that i share with people often. this is something that i struggle with every single day and i told our DG in faith that they would understand and feel compelled to open up, as well.
what i didn't realize, though, was that gilbert... he listened to every word i said. if i told him that i liked a song, he would play it for me the next time i saw him. if i mentioned that i had an exam in 2 weeks, he would ask me how it went the day of. as much as i'd like to believe that i am an intentional person, he is the definition thereof. this man kept up with me. weeks later he reminded me that i am more than enough and that i shouldn't have confidence issues. he always reminds me how amazing i am and that i have nothing to worry about.
around mid august, i got a text from gil. "i'm in love with you"
it was 2:37am what was i supposed to believe?? here was my thought process: he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. i ignored the text. i waited until late the next day to respond saying "wait what"
opened up my snap chat to a picture of him saying "i'm in love with you"
ok so it wasnt just one of his friends texting off of his phone... it was him... maybe it wasn't real
but it happened again
and again
and again
and every single time, he was drunk. belligerently so
don't get me wrong, it wasn't that i didn't like him in the same way, it was that i didn't like that SIDE of him. he got aggressive when he drank, he yelled at people and threatened to fight other guys and it simply wasn't something that i could see being okay in our relationship. so i turned a blind eye. i pretended that i didn't know he really liked me. i convinced myself that he was just drunk and i wasn't truly the love of his life. i told myself that if he really wanted me, he would better himself first.
so i waited.
but it looks like i waited too long.
today, gilbert is dating a new girl.
i asked gilbert if he felt the same way about me when he was sober. he told me that he was so into me during and after camp. key word: was.
i haven;t cried that much in a long time. a very very long time. i missed my shot. like i always do. i was so upset. the worst part is that he treats olivia exactly how i wanted to be treated. he skips his frat parties to hang out with her. it doesnt take half a bottle of whiskey for him to tell her he likes her. he takes her on dates. he is the most respectable man i have ever met in my life and i don't know if i'll ever find anyone like this man again. what i didn't know is that i was in love with him, too. i was just too scared to admit it. turns out i had everything to worry about.
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