10/3/2017

First of all- lol at the fact that I tried to keep up with this every day over the summer. I literally suck. It's fine.

I guess I'm coming back to this because I'm struggling and I want to document my feelings on it so I won't go back on what I say.

My love life recently has been hard on me. As much as I try to see other people, Gil is still in the back of my mind. I told Kenna that I wasn't waiting on him or anything. I still talk to other guys and play out potentials but in all honesty, if Gil left Olivia, I would be there in a heart beat. She said no Michelle, that's the definition of waiting for him.

Kinda just got goosebumps typing that one out. Maybe it's just cold in here.

I told myself that I wouldn't be that girl- that I wouldn't let my mind wander to the what-ifs with Gil. I am a liar to my own self. I know that when we spend time together, he can't help but love me. I know that when we spend time together, I can't help but fall for him just a little bit more. And it got to a point where I just convinced myself that I didn't care that he had a girlfriend. I had ripped the idea from my mind and only saw the good in this man. And man, did I fall hard.

This past weekend I was in LA. Tiffany and I were tired from our late night so we took a nap before beginning our day. In this 30 minute nap, I had the best dream of my life. This is so odd that I remember this dream so vividly but I have thought about it every day since.

We're at Fish Camp. I'm hanging out with other counselors- Derek, one of my best friends. We're watching freshmen do skits and hang out with each other. Gil comes up, it's our turn. We lay on the ground with each other. I laid my head on his shoulder. Fish Camp was a good time. Fish Camp transforms into a ball. Everyone looks so beautiful. We dance, swaying to the beat of the music. He pulls me into a corner but I lose him. Instead a man comes up to ask me about a Senate scandal. Senate? I barely know anything about Senate... As I turn back to find Gil, I see everyone running out in a panic. I don't know what's going on so I try to run too. I trip. Over and over and over. Everyone is running past me and the only thing I can think about- where is Gil? I finally get to the front where I am informed that I have missed all of the busses out and I have to make it onto the train before it leaves. The train is far. I see people running towards it but something in me is making me fall and tumble. I begin to go. I run into other people I know who run much faster than I do. Will I make it? I make it closer and I see Gil run off the train and pulls me into his arms. Pretty sure I cried. We run to the train together. The train begins to take off but we take a leap in an attempt to make it. We barely make it, hanging onto the ledge of the train. The train is moving fast. Our legs are dangling above the nature below us. It is beautiful. We are exhilarated, happy. I let go of the train with one arm. The feeling is breath taking. Then I wake up.

And for a moment, I was happy. And in the next, I was awakened by the reminder that this is not a possibility. I will never be with Gil.

Gil is the kind of guy I want to marry one day- instilled in his morals and playful. He loves hard and is dedicated to what he wants. But unfortunately, he is seeing someone and that someone is not me.

I had a plan. Our DG kids wanted to hang out. I wanted to see Gil, have the time of our lives then talk to him after to tell him that we could not continue seeing each other anymore. Not at all. It was unfair to us all. The fact of the matter is, we naturally fall for each other each time we spend time together. As long as I am in his life, we will always want each other for more than a friendship could provide.

We had our DG hang out. We laughed and danced and ate (yummy) food. I didn't want it to end. I had so many things running through my mind- how would I say this? How will he take it?

We drop off our DG kid and head to Bonfire Memorial. I don't know how to say any of it so I mindlessly talk about things that don't matter. Like whether or not I can park in that parking lot. I really didn't know what I was going to say. But Gil initiates it- "so what did you want to talk about?" I can't help it. I blab for at least 4 minutes straight.

I tell him about the dream. I tell him about how excited I was and how sad I was. I tell about how Makenna pointed out that I am waiting for him. I tell him that I am falling in love with someone who I cannot fall in love with. I tell him that we cannot be friends any longer.

He doesn't take it well. He basically shuts me down, saying it's not an option. I tried to convince him I was no good. I bring him guilt and pain and misunderstanding- none of which he deserves. It would be easier just to let me go and continue to be with Olivia. But he told me he didn't want to take the easy way out. He is upset, probably really offended that I would even suggest this. He doesn't think I believe that it's hard for him too- and sometimes, I don't believe it. How can it be that hard for him? Other times, I understand exactly how he feels.

We decide to go on an adventure. We drive to the middle of no where, at a dead end surrounded by nature, sit in the dark and stare for a while. I ask him, could you see a future with me? Logistically, it makes more sense to stay with Olivia. Their families are intertwined, they're from the same home town, etc. I understand why he would choose her over me. He tells me yes, he can.

A car zooms towards us and we struggle trying to find the keys. I seriously thought we were in trouble or we were going to get hurt. I had no idea where the keys were. The car drove past us, pulled in reverse and left. I laughed so hard. We were terrified for no reason. Out of fear, we left. We drove to the pike house, where we got out and sat outside. We talked more. We talked about the barn that I wanted to be painted a royal blue. That would be pretty. It was getting late.

After long conversations, there was silence. A comfortable silence. We both stared off into the distance. The silence became unbearing. This would probably be the last time I ever talk to this man. I couldn't help it, the tears rushed to my eyes. I tried my best to hide it. But I can never hide anything with Gil. He pulled me in and I started bawling. It hit me. It really hit me. He apologized for putting me in this position. I know he blames himself for everything but it's my fault too.

Something about him is irresistible. He kissed me. And not in a oh-crap-why-is-he-kissing-me-again kind of way. It was a kiss that I wanted. It was a kiss that I needed. These kisses were passionate and meaningful. These were different.

At one point, Gil pointed at a star that he could see in the distance- really cool considering we hadn't been able to see any the entire night. I walked out and looked up. The stars were everywhere. I was overwhelmed by the beauty. Gil held me as I stared in awe. He said "can we just soak up this moment?" So that's exactly what we did.

It was late. We didn't want to leave but we knew we had to. It was bittersweet. Once we got to his house, he asked me what the plan was. I came up with a compromise- "let's not talk for two weeks. And if it's unbearable, then we'll talk. But try to imagine your life without me. Please." And he agreed to it.