It was a quick call. Probably lasted about 58 seconds. I knew she had been in an accident with her boyfriend Cole but I had no idea how bad it was. I was at a loss for words.
Let me tell you about Caroline Killian.
We were in Camp Ghinelli together. And while we weren't all that fond of the camp itself, we were fond of each other. I remember on Rev night when I sat next to Caroline and she was so bubbly. I hid under my turtle shell as she asked me question after question. I thought, who is this girl? I thought she for sure was a third-year counselor. That night I realized she was the same age as me. I was intimidated yet inspired. A girl who barely knew these people had such confidence to be herself. She was empowering. Anything she said, everyone agreed with. She had a natural magnetic pull to herself. She was "bigblueeyes" to us. Her eyes truly were the biggest, bluest, brightest eyes you had ever seen. At one of our hangouts we realized how confusing it must have been having two Carolines in camp. She said, "call me CK! I like it better anyways." I remember that day pretty well. She insisted on playing with my hair. I sat in front of her feet as she twiddled with my hair left and right. She was always good at that- making people feel included. CK knew no strangers. Everyone was a friend. She radiated. Her smile stretched a mile long. She was kind, she was gentle. She loved how Jesus intends for us to love.
I found an email thread that we once had. It was a thread of the three major values you held most dear. Here is what she said.
She was kind. She turned the biggest frown upside down. It was a magical power she had, I'm telling you. She was funny. She made you laugh until your stomach hurt. She was serious yet fun all the time.
She was accepting. She would never judge and loved us all for who we were. She listened intently and gave advice.
The last one hit me hard- she was positive. In every situation. That's when I realized, CK would hate the fact that we're all crying over her right now. She wants nothing but our happiness. We all mourn in our own way but if it were CK's decision, we wouldn't be sad right now. We would be happy she lived her life the way she did. She would want us to remember her for who she was and not to let this bring us down. So for that, I stay stronger than I would have.
I've never been so sure that someone was in heaven until you, CK. I don't know how heaven works or if you can read anything that I'm writing but I miss you already. You were my first friend in Ghinelli. You are my forever friend- forever will just be put on pause. I know God has opened his arms up for you. I bet heaven is kick-ass. Kyle is hurting. A lot. He misses you more than he can bear, I can see it. I've been taking care of him, the way I think you would have. I hope you can help bring him some peace with your passing. I'm sorry we didn't stay close for longer, CK. Thank you for changing all of our lives. I get chills hearing your name now. I can't wait for your service- it's going to be beautiful.
XOXO.
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