5/7/2017

5/7/2017: The start of my summer journal.

Today I went to church by myself. The worst part is, I didn't even want to go. I woke up at 9:30 with the intention of going to the 10 AM mass, and found myself laying in bed knowing that I had missed mass. I went to lunch with my littles, Olivia and Ashleigh then came home. I wasn't doing anything important at all, really. As 5:00 rolled around I decided I was going to go. I went. By myself. And I don't know why but I have this fear of doing anything alone. Not the idea of doing it alone, rather, the idea of running into someone who sees me doing it alone. A pride thing? Maybe. Regardless, I went. I was 10 minutes early, found myself in a pew near the back. I couldn't bring myself to sit near the front. How hypocritical of me would it be to miss mass for weeks then to sit in the front? I am so undeserving. I prayed- for some sort of self peace. I prayed that I would be rid of the devil and filled with Him. I repeated it over and over and over. I know and understand that I have been letting the devil fill my mind with thoughts and ideas and letting him push me to make decisions that I know the Lord does not approve of- drinking, skipping church, not praying... I found that I can go days without even thinking of Jesus. What kind of person have I become? And then I realized. I am so selfish. All I was thinking about was me. I am so undeserving but He is so forgiving. He is almighty. He is selfless and loves each and every one os us completely. Why am I thinking about myself when there are people out there that don't know about God's love? How can I even compare my pain to those who don't even know there's everlasting life? I have this fear of going to church alone. But I think from now on, I'll invite someone to go with me. The Lord wants us to spread His gospel and the best way to do that is to show them the grace of God.
I recorded a song with Jadha. A song we sang years ago.
I got dinner with Ally, and we talked about keeping each other accountable this summer and for time to come.