Caroline Killian

The day I was leaving Europe I got a call from Makenna. I missed it and she insisted that I call back. When I answered, all I heard was tears. She told me "CK is dead."
It was a quick call. Probably lasted about 58 seconds. I knew she had been in an accident with her boyfriend Cole but I had no idea how bad it was. I was at a loss for words.

Let me tell you about Caroline Killian.
We were in Camp Ghinelli together. And while we weren't all that fond of the camp itself, we were fond of each other. I remember on Rev night when I sat next to Caroline and she was so bubbly. I hid under my turtle shell as she asked me question after question. I thought, who is this girl? I thought she for sure was a third-year counselor. That night I realized she was the same age as me. I was intimidated yet inspired. A girl who barely knew these people had such confidence to be herself. She was empowering. Anything she said, everyone agreed with. She had a natural magnetic pull to herself. She was "bigblueeyes" to us. Her eyes truly were the biggest, bluest, brightest eyes you had ever seen. At one of our hangouts we realized how confusing it must have been having two Carolines in camp. She said, "call me CK! I like it better anyways." I remember that day pretty well. She insisted on playing with my hair. I sat in front of her feet as she twiddled with my hair left and right. She was always good at that- making people feel included. CK knew no strangers. Everyone was a friend. She radiated. Her smile stretched a mile long. She was kind, she was gentle. She loved how Jesus intends for us to love.

I found an email thread that we once had. It was a thread of the three major values you held most dear. Here is what she said.

 

She was kind. She turned the biggest frown upside down. It was a magical power she had, I'm telling you. She was funny. She made you laugh until your stomach hurt. She was serious yet fun all the time. 

She was accepting. She would never judge and loved us all for who we were. She listened intently and gave advice. 

The last one hit me hard- she was positive. In every situation. That's when I realized, CK would hate the fact that we're all crying over her right now. She wants nothing but our happiness. We all mourn in our own way but if it were CK's decision, we wouldn't be sad right now. We would be happy she lived her life the way she did. She would want us to remember her for who she was and not to let this bring us down. So for that, I stay stronger than I would have. 

I've never been so sure that someone was in heaven until you, CK. I don't know how heaven works or if you can read anything that I'm writing but I miss you already. You were my first friend in Ghinelli. You are my forever friend- forever will just be put on pause. I know God has opened his arms up for you. I bet heaven is kick-ass. Kyle is hurting. A lot. He misses you more than he can bear, I can see it. I've been taking care of him, the way I think you would have. I hope you can help bring him some peace with your passing. I'm sorry we didn't stay close for longer, CK. Thank you for changing all of our lives. I get chills hearing your name now. I can't wait for your service- it's going to be beautiful. 

XOXO.

6/29/2017

It's been a while since I've done this. Maybe it's because I've been busy. Maybe it's because I'm scared to document every single day's worth of thoughts.

A slight recap- 

Brandon and I had a great time. Went on a date, hung out. But I left for Europe. We didn't talk for two weeks. Turns out he went on a date with his ex-girlfriend. I can't compete. I can't compare. And I don't blame him all too much... when you've dated someone for three years, it's hard to let go. I get that. I just wish I had heard it from him, rather than hearing it from Kim who saw Sydney's snapchat story. I lost a lot of respect for him, I guess. I still think he's a really great guy.

Europe was phenomenal. We began in London. We saw Big Ben. We traveled to Paris, where we saw the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Lock Gate and the Arc de Triumph. Oh and don't forget Co Van bought 2 Louis Vuittons at Champs de Elysses. What a woman... We celebrated Dad's birthday at this weird karaoke restaurant in Paris. He seems happy. Then the tour began. We head to Frankfurt, Germany, where Duy and I matched. We went on a river cruise to see the city. We saw a part of the Berlin wall. In Prague, Czech Republic we saw a beautiful church and in the square, we got to see the clock that danced at noon. We head to Budapest, Hungary where we took another cruise. I can tell Co Lan is frustrated by Rosa. Salzburg, Austria was one of my favorite destinations. We got to see parts of where the Sound of Music was filmed. In Vienna, we visit a palace and a garden. How many palaces can we manage to fit in 14 days? We visited Mozart's museum. In Switzerland, we went to Mount Titlis (don't forget how much Vy was laughing and her nostrils flaring). It was beautiful there. I wish we had gotten to stay longer. I ran into Brenna Smith, 5th grade best friend, up in the glacier. How crazy is that?
The day before we left for Europe, I was informed that Minh had shoplifted a lighter and chocolate liquor. What was he thinking?? I probably shouldn't have reacted the way I had but I was furious. I had been defending him to Dustin, saying he's better. Turns out I was completely wrong. I don't know how to help anymore. I'm stuck. I could never tell his mom and there's only so much hold I have over him. 

6/6/2017

Yesterday I got lunch with the girls. Dani was pretty upset, feeling left out. We were all talking about people that I guess she didn't know. She was hurt, but what could we do? It's not intentional and there's really no way we could have anticipated this. She's sensitive. I need to be careful with what I say or do around her.

After work I went to the gym... and boy was I out of breath. Maybe I'll try getting into a habit of it... (probably not). I'll just ask other people to go to the park with me or something along those lines.

Met up with Kyle at church. I can see that he's struggling. He wants to find love but maybe he isn't ready for it yet. I can't explain God's decisions. I will never fully understand what he intends for us... but I pray that Kyle can get past this.

I worry for the relationship with my mother. I worry that I'll never fully forgive her and she will never fully forgive me. Will I always resent her and her actions? I hope not.

6/5/2017

oops. Haven't been keeping up with this too well. Let me try to catch up a little bit.

I continued to go to daily mass during those last few days before I left for Dustin's graduation. I noticed something different- that there were so many imperfections around me, but still, in God's house. The seats were torn and the wood was scratched but that's something I've never noticed beforehand. Kinda funny how that works, isn't it? Imperfections, yet still accepted. God is such a cool person.

Dustin graduated. He's going to dental school soon. He is going to be a rockstar, y'all. I don't have a doubt in my mind that he's going to be successful, that he's going to fall in love and have a happy family. Anyone who gets to marry my brother is lucky as h**k. He's phenomenal.

The graduation party went well. Who doesn't love crawfish? Only silly people who haven't been exposed to the delicacy of it all. I've noticed a lot of weird things about Minh. He's quieter, he sleeps during the day more.

We head to California, to visit our parents. Dani came. Thank goodness, I don't know what I would have done without her. We visit San Francisco and took photos. I think Mom was happy, then. Then we all head to San Diego. I don't think I've been this embarrassed in a long time. I know that Mom has her issues with us, but to show it in front of Dani, who she barely knows... I was speechless. Dani continuously asked me why she was getting angry for no reason, and I didn't have anything to say. It's just something I'm used to now... There was one day where we went hiking and we were all tired and in desperate need of a shower. We asked to go home. Mom said, and I quote, "I don't want to be with you guys anymore. I'm happier by myself anyways. Cancel your trip back out here because I don't want you to come." I was so incredibly frustrated that she made such a big deal out of nothing. She proceeded to yell at us in front of Dani who clearly had nothing to say. Mom spent the entire week getting angry for no apparent reason. On the last day I couldn't take it. I cried. I told Dad that I couldn't take it anymore. His response? "Just deal with it."
.... what? how could he say that?
He told me that he has tried to talk to her before about her anger and it gets him no where. How is he okay with this? I don't know. She instigates problems that would never have existed had she not created them. She intentionally tears people down. She hurts me because she sees I'm the most vulnerable.
And I know that you're supposed to forgive and forget; to let go and let God. But goodness I can't help be frustrated. I cry, a lot. I don't want to go back. I don't care to see her. And that is awful. But what kind of mother could look me in the eye and tell me she didn't want to have me?

On my last day in California, I got a call from Quang. He says it's serious so I stepped outside. He told me that Minh had left the house and was trying to sneak back inside. At that moment I connected the dots. How could I have been so blind to miss this? Minh was doing drugs. He got in an argument with his mom about having a sleepover at a friend's house. His grades were dropping. He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping, he took long showers, he was... different. I'm mad I didn't see it before. I should've noticed the signs. When I got to Dallas that next day I asked him to his face, are you doing drugs? He laughed. He couldn't stop laughing. Is this because of the drugs? Or because he was afraid to be open to me? Was he using it as a mechanism to avoid the serious conversation? Either way, I repeated myself: "Minh, are you doing drugs?" He replied "Yeah, I was on bars last night."

I cried, again. I felt awful for missing such a big thing in his life. Was it that he didn't feel loved? Was is that he simply wasn't happy? Depression and drugs don't mix well at all. I'm worried. I've been that annoying cousin that reminds him daily about the dangers of drugs and how he needs to cool it. I can't fathom the idea of something happening to him and I knew he has been doing these drugs. I've tried everything... I've tried being nice, I've tried being harsh, I've tried offering alternate solutions. All he says is "love u!!!" as if I'll be satisfied with this agreement we've got going on. Dustin talked to him. He said "Are you doing drugs?" Minh said "Yes." Dustin said "I hope the next time I ask you, your answer is different." Me too, Dustin. Me too.

My favorite thing that has happened recently tho happened this Friday. An old friend and I rekindled. We talked, a lot. We walked to Fuego with some friends. He asked me to a movie, and obviously I said yes (he's super cute, too). On the walk home, we found an house still being built. We went inside, up the stairs, onto the roof. We laid there, watching the stars, talking about life. He told me about his family and we discussed religion and our futures. It was like some scene out of a movie... star gazing and talking about everything. We joked around about going on trips together and revealed what we were like in the past. We were both so vulnerable. It was so easy to get to know one another. He was genuinely sincere.

Last night he took me on a date. We began at church. It was raining so we basically ran to the church. It was his first time in 3-4 months to go. If this doesn't work out, at least he got back into his relationship with Christ. Afterwards, he told me I had a beautiful voice, which I thought was really sweet. I asked him, "so will you be going to church every week now?" he replied "if you go with me." Good sign, amirite? We rushed to our 8:40 movie which was sold out. Thank goodness tho because I haven't seen the first few Pirates of the Carribbean so how would I understand anything that was going on? We decided to see Snatched only to see that it was an awfully made movie hahaha! On the way home he asked me if I liked hunting. I told him I thought it would be fun, not that I had ever gone. He asked me if I'd like to go with him sometime. I said yeah of course, just tell me when and I'm there. He laughed a little and said well it won't be for a while, you can't really hunt in the summer. Was he making hints for the long run? Maybe. Sometime within it all we realized he had lost his keys. I drove him home and he kissed me good night. Immediately after I had left he texted me "Pirates numero uno tomorrow?" He's a good man. I'm completely smitten. Who would've thought I would've found a nice catholic boy who likes me too? I don't want to get my hopes up but I can't help but smile when I talk about him. I couldn't even sleep last night, I was just tossing and turning.

But don't let me get too invested. I think this boy is gonna break my heart one day.