First of all- lol at the fact that I tried to keep up with this every day over the summer. I literally suck. It's fine.
I guess I'm coming back to this because I'm struggling and I want to document my feelings on it so I won't go back on what I say.
My love life recently has been hard on me. As much as I try to see other people, Gil is still in the back of my mind. I told Kenna that I wasn't waiting on him or anything. I still talk to other guys and play out potentials but in all honesty, if Gil left Olivia, I would be there in a heart beat. She said no Michelle, that's the definition of waiting for him.
Kinda just got goosebumps typing that one out. Maybe it's just cold in here.
I told myself that I wouldn't be that girl- that I wouldn't let my mind wander to the what-ifs with Gil. I am a liar to my own self. I know that when we spend time together, he can't help but love me. I know that when we spend time together, I can't help but fall for him just a little bit more. And it got to a point where I just convinced myself that I didn't care that he had a girlfriend. I had ripped the idea from my mind and only saw the good in this man. And man, did I fall hard.
This past weekend I was in LA. Tiffany and I were tired from our late night so we took a nap before beginning our day. In this 30 minute nap, I had the best dream of my life. This is so odd that I remember this dream so vividly but I have thought about it every day since.
We're at Fish Camp. I'm hanging out with other counselors- Derek, one of my best friends. We're watching freshmen do skits and hang out with each other. Gil comes up, it's our turn. We lay on the ground with each other. I laid my head on his shoulder. Fish Camp was a good time. Fish Camp transforms into a ball. Everyone looks so beautiful. We dance, swaying to the beat of the music. He pulls me into a corner but I lose him. Instead a man comes up to ask me about a Senate scandal. Senate? I barely know anything about Senate... As I turn back to find Gil, I see everyone running out in a panic. I don't know what's going on so I try to run too. I trip. Over and over and over. Everyone is running past me and the only thing I can think about- where is Gil? I finally get to the front where I am informed that I have missed all of the busses out and I have to make it onto the train before it leaves. The train is far. I see people running towards it but something in me is making me fall and tumble. I begin to go. I run into other people I know who run much faster than I do. Will I make it? I make it closer and I see Gil run off the train and pulls me into his arms. Pretty sure I cried. We run to the train together. The train begins to take off but we take a leap in an attempt to make it. We barely make it, hanging onto the ledge of the train. The train is moving fast. Our legs are dangling above the nature below us. It is beautiful. We are exhilarated, happy. I let go of the train with one arm. The feeling is breath taking. Then I wake up.
And for a moment, I was happy. And in the next, I was awakened by the reminder that this is not a possibility. I will never be with Gil.
Gil is the kind of guy I want to marry one day- instilled in his morals and playful. He loves hard and is dedicated to what he wants. But unfortunately, he is seeing someone and that someone is not me.
I had a plan. Our DG kids wanted to hang out. I wanted to see Gil, have the time of our lives then talk to him after to tell him that we could not continue seeing each other anymore. Not at all. It was unfair to us all. The fact of the matter is, we naturally fall for each other each time we spend time together. As long as I am in his life, we will always want each other for more than a friendship could provide.
We had our DG hang out. We laughed and danced and ate (yummy) food. I didn't want it to end. I had so many things running through my mind- how would I say this? How will he take it?
We drop off our DG kid and head to Bonfire Memorial. I don't know how to say any of it so I mindlessly talk about things that don't matter. Like whether or not I can park in that parking lot. I really didn't know what I was going to say. But Gil initiates it- "so what did you want to talk about?" I can't help it. I blab for at least 4 minutes straight.
I tell him about the dream. I tell him about how excited I was and how sad I was. I tell about how Makenna pointed out that I am waiting for him. I tell him that I am falling in love with someone who I cannot fall in love with. I tell him that we cannot be friends any longer.
He doesn't take it well. He basically shuts me down, saying it's not an option. I tried to convince him I was no good. I bring him guilt and pain and misunderstanding- none of which he deserves. It would be easier just to let me go and continue to be with Olivia. But he told me he didn't want to take the easy way out. He is upset, probably really offended that I would even suggest this. He doesn't think I believe that it's hard for him too- and sometimes, I don't believe it. How can it be that hard for him? Other times, I understand exactly how he feels.
We decide to go on an adventure. We drive to the middle of no where, at a dead end surrounded by nature, sit in the dark and stare for a while. I ask him, could you see a future with me? Logistically, it makes more sense to stay with Olivia. Their families are intertwined, they're from the same home town, etc. I understand why he would choose her over me. He tells me yes, he can.
A car zooms towards us and we struggle trying to find the keys. I seriously thought we were in trouble or we were going to get hurt. I had no idea where the keys were. The car drove past us, pulled in reverse and left. I laughed so hard. We were terrified for no reason. Out of fear, we left. We drove to the pike house, where we got out and sat outside. We talked more. We talked about the barn that I wanted to be painted a royal blue. That would be pretty. It was getting late.
After long conversations, there was silence. A comfortable silence. We both stared off into the distance. The silence became unbearing. This would probably be the last time I ever talk to this man. I couldn't help it, the tears rushed to my eyes. I tried my best to hide it. But I can never hide anything with Gil. He pulled me in and I started bawling. It hit me. It really hit me. He apologized for putting me in this position. I know he blames himself for everything but it's my fault too.
Something about him is irresistible. He kissed me. And not in a oh-crap-why-is-he-kissing-me-again kind of way. It was a kiss that I wanted. It was a kiss that I needed. These kisses were passionate and meaningful. These were different.
At one point, Gil pointed at a star that he could see in the distance- really cool considering we hadn't been able to see any the entire night. I walked out and looked up. The stars were everywhere. I was overwhelmed by the beauty. Gil held me as I stared in awe. He said "can we just soak up this moment?" So that's exactly what we did.
It was late. We didn't want to leave but we knew we had to. It was bittersweet. Once we got to his house, he asked me what the plan was. I came up with a compromise- "let's not talk for two weeks. And if it's unbearable, then we'll talk. But try to imagine your life without me. Please." And he agreed to it.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Co Lan
An update on my sweet Minh Minh.
He has changed. A lot. He will ignore people who are talking to his face. Even after he's called out on ignoring them, he will continue to ignore them. I can see he's on his phone about 24 hours a day. When I came to visit last weekend, I came early in the morning on Saturday. His room reeked of weed. I called him out on it once he woke up. He pretended as if he hadn't smoked in his room. He said "that's weird" so I told him not to be stupid. I told Dustin. Minh smoked in his room again that night. Dustin didn't know what to do but eventually took away his phone. But only for the night. If I had gotten caught smoking WEED in my ROOM when I was younger, I would've been smacked, yelled at, and been grounded for at least a month. Dustin doesn't know how to be strict. The only way he'll get better is if he sees there are repercussions for his wrong actions. It worries me that he thinks this is okay. It also worries me that Co Lan doesn't see what's going on.
That Saturday I had come, it was very early in the morning. No one was awake except us. We talked about how Kiet doesn't eat vegetables, and not only that, that he refuses to even give a reason why he won't eat them. It really frustrates me, so I've never really understood why Co Lan, a nurse, had been okay with it. She has tried with him before. She fought him with it so much that he threw up eating a carrot. Co Lan cried telling me how she doesn't know how to parent anymore. I see her struggle. I see her give up when Minh fights back on something he wants. And that's why her kids are going in directions that none of us anticipated. Minh gets away with doing drugs because she's scared to tell him no for anything. Kiet plays games all day and has no friends because Co Lan doesn't force him to go out and do things other than virtual reality. Co Lan asked me to help out more. I told her Dustin will back her up, too. I'm really worried that things are going to get much much worse.
He has changed. A lot. He will ignore people who are talking to his face. Even after he's called out on ignoring them, he will continue to ignore them. I can see he's on his phone about 24 hours a day. When I came to visit last weekend, I came early in the morning on Saturday. His room reeked of weed. I called him out on it once he woke up. He pretended as if he hadn't smoked in his room. He said "that's weird" so I told him not to be stupid. I told Dustin. Minh smoked in his room again that night. Dustin didn't know what to do but eventually took away his phone. But only for the night. If I had gotten caught smoking WEED in my ROOM when I was younger, I would've been smacked, yelled at, and been grounded for at least a month. Dustin doesn't know how to be strict. The only way he'll get better is if he sees there are repercussions for his wrong actions. It worries me that he thinks this is okay. It also worries me that Co Lan doesn't see what's going on.
That Saturday I had come, it was very early in the morning. No one was awake except us. We talked about how Kiet doesn't eat vegetables, and not only that, that he refuses to even give a reason why he won't eat them. It really frustrates me, so I've never really understood why Co Lan, a nurse, had been okay with it. She has tried with him before. She fought him with it so much that he threw up eating a carrot. Co Lan cried telling me how she doesn't know how to parent anymore. I see her struggle. I see her give up when Minh fights back on something he wants. And that's why her kids are going in directions that none of us anticipated. Minh gets away with doing drugs because she's scared to tell him no for anything. Kiet plays games all day and has no friends because Co Lan doesn't force him to go out and do things other than virtual reality. Co Lan asked me to help out more. I told her Dustin will back her up, too. I'm really worried that things are going to get much much worse.
Monday, July 10, 2017
courtney crews
Yesterday, Courtney said awful things to me. She has never been that mean to me before in my life. And to be honest, I do let her walk all over me but who am I to stand up for myself when she says she's depressed or sad or going through a lot... I feel like I don't have a right to be mad but I'm pretty upset. I've never been treated like this by anyone and I don't respect a friend who would think that this is okay.
Courtney's friend died recently. I didn't know him. Apparently they liked each other a while back. I never really heard about him from her other than one time when she told me that he liked her and she wasn't about it. So I was shocked to see how upset she was when he died. I know this sounds completely inconsiderate. I just didn't know they were actually good friends. I felt like I would've heard about him more if they were... I don't know. But because I didn't know, I just went with it. I believed what she said. I could see her hurting. I let her vent to me over and over about the same things. What was frustrating though was that I would provide advice or just my opinion on what she would say and she would completely disregard what I said and continue to talk about herself. That bothered me but really, what right do I have to ask for acknowledgement when she's going through this? So I let it go. I didn't really talk to her the next few days. I figured she needed her space. I could tell she was frustrated with everything I was saying and she was just running in circles saying the same thing over and over. She was in France when all of this happened so on the day she came back to America I texted her saying I couldn't wait for her to be back. She was being short with me, which I didn't really understand either. I understood that she was going through a lot but that doesn't really give you an excuse to treat anyone differently. I told her that I was going to give her space and time to heal but she proceeded to tell me more. She told me his little sister added Court on Facebook, guessing that she knew who Courtney was.
I thought, let me expand this conversation, I feel like she wants to talk about it. How did you know you were the only one? Then she got short again. Believe me when I say I was just as shocked as you are re-reading this. I was driving home from Dallas after dealing with some family stuff, trying to reply in a timely manner to all of this:
"it was a stupid thought to think thanks for the reminder"
WHAT!??!?!?! DID I SAY IT WAS STUPID???!!! i literally just asked how she knew
now apparently i am so inconsiderate, and i always think of the worst possible outcome when she's trying to have hope.
how can she make that assumption............ out of a question i asked........................ im livid just typing this blog post up
she adds in the fact that shes not the only person who thinks that was inconsiderate
so who is she talking to about our conversation? idk but i'm pretty sure she's misreading my messages
so she says "bye i dont want to talk"
which was rude
but i was like okay thats fine
i was driving anyways and didn't want to fight
so i ignored it....
which apparently was the wrong thing to do
i literally feel boys right now. when girls say something but mean the exact opposite thing...
so she texts me again!!! of course
how was i "dragging her"
i wasn't trying to give her a reality check, i wanted to expand the conversation.
i didn't know who abby was and i genuinely believe that his sister saw her post and wanted to know who courtney was.
i didn't ask how she knew courtney was special
i didnt say that
in any way shape or form
jeez im so mad i just need to get this all out
she acts like i have purposely given her a "reality check" to put her in a "terrible sense of reality"
it gets worse.
how was i inconsiderate
pardon me for hanging out in space, didn't realize i had no sense of mind. CLEARLY my mind is in another place, obviously i'm stupid and don't know anything. that's why i need to be brought back to earth am i right
ok first of all she did mis-read my text, adding in "just" absolutely does make it seem like it was a miniscule thing that led his sister to adding her on facebook.
"haha okay"
dude that's like the rudest thing you can say in the middle on an argument
and i wasn't trying to point out an alternate reality of it. once again i say, i just wanted to expand the conversation
and i'm the only friend who does that ;-) good lovely. something i dont even do but i'm being accused of
so she says she has to go. she says bye. again.
so.... i ignore it........???
five minutes later she texts me again
she says i'm unbelievable, quotes ME.....
"coming off the wrong way" and "misreading the message" are EQUIVALENT
they mean the same thing
you would misread a message if a person portrayed it the wrong way
not that i even think i portrayed anything wrong...
but she's not going to budge so here i am apologizing for something i don't believe i need to apologize for.
im frustrated that she keeps telling me she doesnt want to talk but then she does. im literally on I-35 trying not to swerve as i reply to her demanding, hurtful messages
I DID NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS
PRETTY SURE I STARTED CRYING HERE I WAS SO CONFUSED
i know this is a personal blog and probably no one will ever see this but lemme know if u think im psycho or if shes attacking me.
i do not want to put her in some harsh reality. which i have already acknowledged.
i do not want to "put her in her place"
that would be so mean... i don't understand
how can "she probably saw your post" which... she probably did..... and "how do you know" turn into this entire debacle?
i genuinely feel like she makes things up in her head just to have something to fight and cry about.
i'm not trying to take away her hope or happiness and im definitely not tantalizing her about anything.
AND I NEVER SAID HER POST WASNT SPECIAL. IN FACT IT WAS SO LONG AND DETAILED THAT IT MAKES SENSE THAT ABBY ADDED HER. WHY WOULD I SAY THAT IT WASNT SPECIAL
at this point i really really want to blow up but thats not fair. shes going through a lot and i cant. im not allowed to. in fact, i'm never allowed to be upset about anything. her problems always trump mine. i always have to be there for her. i stopped telling her what's going on in my life because she'll just get mad at me because she's "going through a lot." then she finds out i didn't tell her something months later and then she's mad again because i didn't tell her. there is zero ways to win with this girl. she always has to be right. i've never seen her accept defeat or even just say "ok i'm wrong." she will either fight her way to the end or pretend she's sad so you end up feeling bad so you end up apologizing. that, my friends, is my friendship with courtney crews. i am never in control and i always have to tiptoe around her feelings. it's bizarre.
this one hurt me the most.
she pulled out something i had told her months ago and used it against me. completely out of context. recently i went to a conference called MSC Abbott that talked about leadership and how we should ask our peers for constructive criticism and rather than victimizing ourselves and fighting back on everything they say, to take it with a grain of salt, come back, and ask "am I doing better?"it was a conference that affected me in more ways any sort of retreat ever had. I cried when I told courtney about my experience here. and she took it, warped it, and used it against me.
i can't even write this anymore
Courtney's friend died recently. I didn't know him. Apparently they liked each other a while back. I never really heard about him from her other than one time when she told me that he liked her and she wasn't about it. So I was shocked to see how upset she was when he died. I know this sounds completely inconsiderate. I just didn't know they were actually good friends. I felt like I would've heard about him more if they were... I don't know. But because I didn't know, I just went with it. I believed what she said. I could see her hurting. I let her vent to me over and over about the same things. What was frustrating though was that I would provide advice or just my opinion on what she would say and she would completely disregard what I said and continue to talk about herself. That bothered me but really, what right do I have to ask for acknowledgement when she's going through this? So I let it go. I didn't really talk to her the next few days. I figured she needed her space. I could tell she was frustrated with everything I was saying and she was just running in circles saying the same thing over and over. She was in France when all of this happened so on the day she came back to America I texted her saying I couldn't wait for her to be back. She was being short with me, which I didn't really understand either. I understood that she was going through a lot but that doesn't really give you an excuse to treat anyone differently. I told her that I was going to give her space and time to heal but she proceeded to tell me more. She told me his little sister added Court on Facebook, guessing that she knew who Courtney was.
I thought, let me expand this conversation, I feel like she wants to talk about it. How did you know you were the only one? Then she got short again. Believe me when I say I was just as shocked as you are re-reading this. I was driving home from Dallas after dealing with some family stuff, trying to reply in a timely manner to all of this:
"it was a stupid thought to think thanks for the reminder"
WHAT!??!?!?! DID I SAY IT WAS STUPID???!!! i literally just asked how she knew
now apparently i am so inconsiderate, and i always think of the worst possible outcome when she's trying to have hope.
how can she make that assumption............ out of a question i asked........................ im livid just typing this blog post up
she adds in the fact that shes not the only person who thinks that was inconsiderate
so who is she talking to about our conversation? idk but i'm pretty sure she's misreading my messages
so she says "bye i dont want to talk"
which was rude
but i was like okay thats fine
i was driving anyways and didn't want to fight
so i ignored it....
which apparently was the wrong thing to do
i literally feel boys right now. when girls say something but mean the exact opposite thing...
so she texts me again!!! of course
how was i "dragging her"
i wasn't trying to give her a reality check, i wanted to expand the conversation.
i didn't know who abby was and i genuinely believe that his sister saw her post and wanted to know who courtney was.
i didn't ask how she knew courtney was special
i didnt say that
in any way shape or form
jeez im so mad i just need to get this all out
she acts like i have purposely given her a "reality check" to put her in a "terrible sense of reality"
it gets worse.
how was i inconsiderate
pardon me for hanging out in space, didn't realize i had no sense of mind. CLEARLY my mind is in another place, obviously i'm stupid and don't know anything. that's why i need to be brought back to earth am i right
ok first of all she did mis-read my text, adding in "just" absolutely does make it seem like it was a miniscule thing that led his sister to adding her on facebook.
"haha okay"
dude that's like the rudest thing you can say in the middle on an argument
and i wasn't trying to point out an alternate reality of it. once again i say, i just wanted to expand the conversation
and i'm the only friend who does that ;-) good lovely. something i dont even do but i'm being accused of
so she says she has to go. she says bye. again.
so.... i ignore it........???
five minutes later she texts me again
she says i'm unbelievable, quotes ME.....
"coming off the wrong way" and "misreading the message" are EQUIVALENT
they mean the same thing
you would misread a message if a person portrayed it the wrong way
not that i even think i portrayed anything wrong...
but she's not going to budge so here i am apologizing for something i don't believe i need to apologize for.
im frustrated that she keeps telling me she doesnt want to talk but then she does. im literally on I-35 trying not to swerve as i reply to her demanding, hurtful messages
I DID NOT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS
PRETTY SURE I STARTED CRYING HERE I WAS SO CONFUSED
i know this is a personal blog and probably no one will ever see this but lemme know if u think im psycho or if shes attacking me.
i do not want to put her in some harsh reality. which i have already acknowledged.
i do not want to "put her in her place"
that would be so mean... i don't understand
how can "she probably saw your post" which... she probably did..... and "how do you know" turn into this entire debacle?
i genuinely feel like she makes things up in her head just to have something to fight and cry about.
i'm not trying to take away her hope or happiness and im definitely not tantalizing her about anything.
AND I NEVER SAID HER POST WASNT SPECIAL. IN FACT IT WAS SO LONG AND DETAILED THAT IT MAKES SENSE THAT ABBY ADDED HER. WHY WOULD I SAY THAT IT WASNT SPECIAL
at this point i really really want to blow up but thats not fair. shes going through a lot and i cant. im not allowed to. in fact, i'm never allowed to be upset about anything. her problems always trump mine. i always have to be there for her. i stopped telling her what's going on in my life because she'll just get mad at me because she's "going through a lot." then she finds out i didn't tell her something months later and then she's mad again because i didn't tell her. there is zero ways to win with this girl. she always has to be right. i've never seen her accept defeat or even just say "ok i'm wrong." she will either fight her way to the end or pretend she's sad so you end up feeling bad so you end up apologizing. that, my friends, is my friendship with courtney crews. i am never in control and i always have to tiptoe around her feelings. it's bizarre.
this one hurt me the most.
she pulled out something i had told her months ago and used it against me. completely out of context. recently i went to a conference called MSC Abbott that talked about leadership and how we should ask our peers for constructive criticism and rather than victimizing ourselves and fighting back on everything they say, to take it with a grain of salt, come back, and ask "am I doing better?"it was a conference that affected me in more ways any sort of retreat ever had. I cried when I told courtney about my experience here. and she took it, warped it, and used it against me.
i can't even write this anymore
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