old friendships die

it's 2:39 am and I am overwhelmed
I am appalled at myself

I somehow let myself hook up with this boy. and he fulfills no standards by which I have recently defined. I didn't even reach my own personal standards. how could I be so stupid? how could I not have had enough self control?

we went out
we drank
I asked him to sleep over. me. myself. I did. there was mistake number one.
and in my defense I hadn't intended for this to happen- in fact, I told myself it WOULDN'T happen. I really like the friendship that we have and I hoped for a night of just sleeping next to a person.
we left the party
we jump in my bed and begin to watch Netflix
I say I'm cold and he cuddles me (super sign to get the fuck out of that situation!!!)
he feels me up and eventually I give in saying "I hate you" and kissing him
I allow myself to get wrapped up in the moment
I forget all my morals
I am a mess
A little while later I think to myself "what the hell am I doing"
I pull away
I say "this wasn't supposed to happen" and I turn away
for some odd reason he doesn't get the message and continues to lay there with me
what have I done
what is wrong with me
why did I let this happen
it's funny because earlier in the night I had said how I don't want hook ups- I want to settle down into something real. something meaningful. and he knew that
I'm not trying to place the blame because I know that I, too, am at fault
but I am upset with myself
I laid there for 5 minutes without saying a word
he continues to play footsies with me and cuddle me
is it not obvious that this is not what I want?
to be completely honest I almost cried
"Roberto"
he pulls me in closer
"are you okay?"
"I just.... I really like the friendship that we had"
"oh"
"you should go home"
"I'm sorry"
"it's fine"
"it could've been two sided- both ways"
"ya it was. you should go"
"okay I was going to leave soon anyways"
I didn't turn around
I laid there and waited for him to leave
and he had the audacity to kiss me on the cheek before he left


I feel so incredibly dumb right now.
I'm upset and I'm blaming him for everything
I don't know if we can get that friendship back
in fact, I don't know if I even want it back