terrified

Running for a position, any position, is actually kind of terrifying.

Gideon texted me and asked me what I thought about running for a position in SGA. Being in Stuco in high school I was like yes, absolutely, I think that's really cool. It's something I've wanted to be a part of ever since we got to A&M. In fact, I know it's pretty far fetched, but I would want to be student body president one day

But I'm not a boy
or in the corps
and I don't know enough people.

So basically it's really out there.

But Gideon asked me what I thought about running for a position and I said it's a great idea. It turned out that if you wanted to run, you had to sign up the next day. I hesitated and eventually caved in to pay the ten dollars and press "submit." I was excited!

Imagine....
Michelle Hoang: Off- Campus Senator 2016-2017.
Sounds pretty cool to me.

There was a mandatory meeting to go to that Sunday so of course Gideon and I went together. I was super excited, I would be meeting all my competition (who obviously are no threat to me).

Much to my surprise... I was terrified. Mortified, really.
First off, I woke up at 5:40 and the meeting was at 6. I struggled to wake Gideon up so we wouldn't be late. I was half asleep when we left.
Then, my favorite part, when we rolled up, we saw everyone wearing ties. And slacks. And button downs. And dresses. And heels. IMAGINE ME FREAKING OUT AND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO FIND THE EMAIL TO SEE WHERE IT SAID TO DRESS BUSINESS CASUAL BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING.
It was 5:55, there was no way we could make it home and back in time for this meeting. We shamefully walk into Wehner and sign in. The president of AXO sees me there. Of COURSE she was dressed in a beautiful dress, with perfect hair and make up while I was wearing ripped leggings, a wrinkled T shirt, glasses, and my hair in a (disgusting) pony. Yep. Super embarrassing.
She said "wow I didn't know you were running for anything!" and I tried to giggle and pretty sure I ended up chortling instead so yeah. I said "haha, me either!"
As the night went on I got more and more discouraged. I had NO idea what I was doing.
The meeting was about an hour long and they discussed the rules of campaigning. Rules? I didn't know there were guidelines to what you could or couldn't do. Then, when the presentation was over, people had QUESTIONS.

WHAT?! I never would have come up with any of those questions, either.
The meeting ended at 7 PM and at 7:01 PM, campaigning began. Instagram, Facebook and Twitter were flooded wth campaign photos.
Campaign photos?? I don't have any of those. Was I supposed to? Ha ha ah aha ha ahahahahhahahhahahha frick.
I got invited to many facebook events to vote for "Four to the floor" or "Triumph with two" and more.
Facebook event pages??

Kyle Grover sent a really long campaign message in our FLEX gm like a week ago. Was I already supposed to be campaigning?
So believe me when I say I was very intimidated. There was no way I would be voted as anything considering how casual I was about the whole experience.

Voting began Thursday 9 AM so Wednesday rolled around and I was like shoot okay maybe I should do something about it. So I wrote a little blurb about why I wanted to be off-campus senator and sent it to almost every GM I was in. I emailed Alpha Chi some cheesy thing about how I was running and how it would look good for someone in Alpha Chi to be in SGA.

Long story short, I didn't really make a huge effort to win. So, naturally, I also didn't go to the winning ceremony. I didn't think I'd get it. The ceremony was at 7. It was 8. I would have known if I had won.

8:20. I'm laying in Jake's bed. Pretty sure we had just gotten back from chicken express (lol).

And on my phone...
1 New Message
Gideon
"You won!!!!!! Congrats dude"


So now I'm one of Texas A&M's newest Off- Campus Senators. What that entails? I have no idea.

old friendships die

it's 2:39 am and I am overwhelmed
I am appalled at myself

I somehow let myself hook up with this boy. and he fulfills no standards by which I have recently defined. I didn't even reach my own personal standards. how could I be so stupid? how could I not have had enough self control?

we went out
we drank
I asked him to sleep over. me. myself. I did. there was mistake number one.
and in my defense I hadn't intended for this to happen- in fact, I told myself it WOULDN'T happen. I really like the friendship that we have and I hoped for a night of just sleeping next to a person.
we left the party
we jump in my bed and begin to watch Netflix
I say I'm cold and he cuddles me (super sign to get the fuck out of that situation!!!)
he feels me up and eventually I give in saying "I hate you" and kissing him
I allow myself to get wrapped up in the moment
I forget all my morals
I am a mess
A little while later I think to myself "what the hell am I doing"
I pull away
I say "this wasn't supposed to happen" and I turn away
for some odd reason he doesn't get the message and continues to lay there with me
what have I done
what is wrong with me
why did I let this happen
it's funny because earlier in the night I had said how I don't want hook ups- I want to settle down into something real. something meaningful. and he knew that
I'm not trying to place the blame because I know that I, too, am at fault
but I am upset with myself
I laid there for 5 minutes without saying a word
he continues to play footsies with me and cuddle me
is it not obvious that this is not what I want?
to be completely honest I almost cried
"Roberto"
he pulls me in closer
"are you okay?"
"I just.... I really like the friendship that we had"
"oh"
"you should go home"
"I'm sorry"
"it's fine"
"it could've been two sided- both ways"
"ya it was. you should go"
"okay I was going to leave soon anyways"
I didn't turn around
I laid there and waited for him to leave
and he had the audacity to kiss me on the cheek before he left


I feel so incredibly dumb right now.
I'm upset and I'm blaming him for everything
I don't know if we can get that friendship back
in fact, I don't know if I even want it back

The Man for Me

I read an article last night titled "The 6 Things Every Catholic Girl Should Look for in a Man." The post essentially read that we should be searching for a man with good work ethics and goals, a smile and a sense of humor, a giving heart and love for family, patience, a man who is a leader, and also one who strives for holiness.

http://lifeteen.com/blog/the-6-things-every-catholic-girl-should-look-for-in-a-man/

This article really got me thinking into what exactly I look for in a man. And don't get me wrong, this article was great and pretty spot on in general. But this is my own personal criteria for the man I hope to meet one day.

First off- I am looking for a man. Not a boy. Not one who will be upset over petty things. One that is mature enough to own up for his own mistakes but also one who is careless enough to laugh and love me the way I desire.

I want a man who will love me unconditionally. One who will trust me in everything I do. I want to find someone who I can fully trust as well. Jealousy stems from the lack of trust in a relationship. I have a lot of guy friends who I 100% know I will never even come close to dating and I need my man to know that. I think I personally need to work on this one though. I need to have a good relationship with him before we commit to each other.

I need a man who will support me. I want him to be friends with my friends and enjoy it. I want to be friends with his friends and love it. I want him to be there when I find out I got that promotion. I want to be there for him when he finds out his uncle has passed away.

In that sense, I need someone who knows when to have fun and when to be serious. I need a man who will set aside his personal needs for mine when something tragic has happened. I need a man who won't question me when I ask him to come over. But... I'm also looking for someone who will ask me to go to the trampoline house and jump for three hours straight.

I'm looking for someone who has a plan. I need him to know that we're going to get married and have kids. I want him to want kids. I need him to want kids. I will be blunt- that's a tie breaker for me. I will end things with a boy if he tells me he doesn't want kids. I don't see a future with anyone who doesn't want to continue our love through having kids. My worst nightmare would be finding out I can't have kids. I want to have a big family. I have a dream of one day waking up next to my best friend, also my husband, in the house we've built together with the family we have built together.

All in all, I'm looking for love. No hook-ups. No "friends with benefits." No flings. I think it's time I grew up and started looking for something more. I want to love a man more than anything in the world. I want a man who will love me just the same. I want to feel the sparks. I want butterflies. I want a smile to form on my face when I get a text from him. I want kisses in the rain. I want hour long phone calls in the middle of the night. I want sleepovers. I want goodnight kisses. I want someone to be proud of. I want to brag about him. I want him to brag about me. I want every story I tell to have his name in it. I want him to want me. I want something other than what I have now.

And on that note, I want to be content being single. I want to trust God and His plan. It's hard to fully trust in something when it feels like nothing is going my way. But I will continue to pray and I will trust in Him.

stuck

Sherry said something really interesting to me last night. I feel like it really put things into perspective.

"I could see y'all being cute but you're putting in a lot of effort and I haven't heard anything about what he's done in return"

... and she's right. Completely 100% right. And the worst part is that I can't bring myself to let that fact phase me. I catch myself continuously making excuses to say that we can work out. That we can be better. But what if we can't?

I can't help but imagine different scenarios every day. What if I was brave enough to stop him one day and say "Give me one more chance. Let me be the girl that you wanted from the start." And then we go on some cute dates and we are super cute and stuff?? I wish I could be that daring. Maybe I'll add that to my list of goals.

But I am so incredibly happy with the friendship that has come out of this nonsense.
It's funny, we kind of did it backwards.
We went from being together to being friends and now we're partners.

I don't really know where I was going with this but maybe all of this happened for a reason. I honestly can't imagine my life without jake right now. He honestly means a lot to me. I don't know I'm probably overthinking this.

It's January 4th, 2016 and I am stuck between moving on and lingering behind. I don't want to care but in all truthfulness I can't help it. I catch myself continuously making excuses to say that we can work out. That we can be better. But what if we can't?