Caroline Killian

The day I was leaving Europe I got a call from Makenna. I missed it and she insisted that I call back. When I answered, all I heard was tears. She told me "CK is dead."
It was a quick call. Probably lasted about 58 seconds. I knew she had been in an accident with her boyfriend Cole but I had no idea how bad it was. I was at a loss for words.

Let me tell you about Caroline Killian.
We were in Camp Ghinelli together. And while we weren't all that fond of the camp itself, we were fond of each other. I remember on Rev night when I sat next to Caroline and she was so bubbly. I hid under my turtle shell as she asked me question after question. I thought, who is this girl? I thought she for sure was a third-year counselor. That night I realized she was the same age as me. I was intimidated yet inspired. A girl who barely knew these people had such confidence to be herself. She was empowering. Anything she said, everyone agreed with. She had a natural magnetic pull to herself. She was "bigblueeyes" to us. Her eyes truly were the biggest, bluest, brightest eyes you had ever seen. At one of our hangouts we realized how confusing it must have been having two Carolines in camp. She said, "call me CK! I like it better anyways." I remember that day pretty well. She insisted on playing with my hair. I sat in front of her feet as she twiddled with my hair left and right. She was always good at that- making people feel included. CK knew no strangers. Everyone was a friend. She radiated. Her smile stretched a mile long. She was kind, she was gentle. She loved how Jesus intends for us to love.

I found an email thread that we once had. It was a thread of the three major values you held most dear. Here is what she said.

 

She was kind. She turned the biggest frown upside down. It was a magical power she had, I'm telling you. She was funny. She made you laugh until your stomach hurt. She was serious yet fun all the time. 

She was accepting. She would never judge and loved us all for who we were. She listened intently and gave advice. 

The last one hit me hard- she was positive. In every situation. That's when I realized, CK would hate the fact that we're all crying over her right now. She wants nothing but our happiness. We all mourn in our own way but if it were CK's decision, we wouldn't be sad right now. We would be happy she lived her life the way she did. She would want us to remember her for who she was and not to let this bring us down. So for that, I stay stronger than I would have. 

I've never been so sure that someone was in heaven until you, CK. I don't know how heaven works or if you can read anything that I'm writing but I miss you already. You were my first friend in Ghinelli. You are my forever friend- forever will just be put on pause. I know God has opened his arms up for you. I bet heaven is kick-ass. Kyle is hurting. A lot. He misses you more than he can bear, I can see it. I've been taking care of him, the way I think you would have. I hope you can help bring him some peace with your passing. I'm sorry we didn't stay close for longer, CK. Thank you for changing all of our lives. I get chills hearing your name now. I can't wait for your service- it's going to be beautiful. 

XOXO.

6/29/2017

It's been a while since I've done this. Maybe it's because I've been busy. Maybe it's because I'm scared to document every single day's worth of thoughts.

A slight recap- 

Brandon and I had a great time. Went on a date, hung out. But I left for Europe. We didn't talk for two weeks. Turns out he went on a date with his ex-girlfriend. I can't compete. I can't compare. And I don't blame him all too much... when you've dated someone for three years, it's hard to let go. I get that. I just wish I had heard it from him, rather than hearing it from Kim who saw Sydney's snapchat story. I lost a lot of respect for him, I guess. I still think he's a really great guy.

Europe was phenomenal. We began in London. We saw Big Ben. We traveled to Paris, where we saw the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Lock Gate and the Arc de Triumph. Oh and don't forget Co Van bought 2 Louis Vuittons at Champs de Elysses. What a woman... We celebrated Dad's birthday at this weird karaoke restaurant in Paris. He seems happy. Then the tour began. We head to Frankfurt, Germany, where Duy and I matched. We went on a river cruise to see the city. We saw a part of the Berlin wall. In Prague, Czech Republic we saw a beautiful church and in the square, we got to see the clock that danced at noon. We head to Budapest, Hungary where we took another cruise. I can tell Co Lan is frustrated by Rosa. Salzburg, Austria was one of my favorite destinations. We got to see parts of where the Sound of Music was filmed. In Vienna, we visit a palace and a garden. How many palaces can we manage to fit in 14 days? We visited Mozart's museum. In Switzerland, we went to Mount Titlis (don't forget how much Vy was laughing and her nostrils flaring). It was beautiful there. I wish we had gotten to stay longer. I ran into Brenna Smith, 5th grade best friend, up in the glacier. How crazy is that?
The day before we left for Europe, I was informed that Minh had shoplifted a lighter and chocolate liquor. What was he thinking?? I probably shouldn't have reacted the way I had but I was furious. I had been defending him to Dustin, saying he's better. Turns out I was completely wrong. I don't know how to help anymore. I'm stuck. I could never tell his mom and there's only so much hold I have over him. 

6/6/2017

Yesterday I got lunch with the girls. Dani was pretty upset, feeling left out. We were all talking about people that I guess she didn't know. She was hurt, but what could we do? It's not intentional and there's really no way we could have anticipated this. She's sensitive. I need to be careful with what I say or do around her.

After work I went to the gym... and boy was I out of breath. Maybe I'll try getting into a habit of it... (probably not). I'll just ask other people to go to the park with me or something along those lines.

Met up with Kyle at church. I can see that he's struggling. He wants to find love but maybe he isn't ready for it yet. I can't explain God's decisions. I will never fully understand what he intends for us... but I pray that Kyle can get past this.

I worry for the relationship with my mother. I worry that I'll never fully forgive her and she will never fully forgive me. Will I always resent her and her actions? I hope not.