today was a rough day for me. i found out that gilbert is officially dating olivia. and what's funny is that I had never wanted him until I realized I didn't have the option to. allow me to begin from the start.

gilbert bermea, fish camp partner. may be one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. we would share secrets with each other, laugh with each other, even cry with each other. he's the kind of person that I would call when I was lost or scared. one of the first that i would tell when something exciting happened. never really thought much of it, in fact, i think i was so hung up over in the past relationship i had been in that i didn't see what was right in front of my eyes. i took him for granted. i refused to believe what i knew was standing right in front of me.


during fish camp i shared some secrets with our DG, the smallest yet biggest one was that i've always had confidence issues- in finding that I am enough for the people that surround me, that i am smart enough, that i am pretty enough, that i am good enough to love and be loved. this is not something that i share with people often. this is something that i struggle with every single day and i told our DG in faith that they would understand and feel compelled to open up, as well.

what i didn't realize, though, was that gilbert... he listened to every word i said. if i told him that i liked a song, he would play it for me the next time i saw him. if i mentioned that i had an exam in 2 weeks, he would ask me how it went the day of. as much as i'd like to believe that i am an intentional person, he is the definition thereof. this man kept up with me. weeks later he reminded me that i am more than enough and that i shouldn't have confidence issues. he always reminds me how amazing i am and that i have nothing to worry about.

around mid august, i got a text from gil. "i'm in love with you"
it was 2:37am what was i supposed to believe?? here was my thought process: he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. i ignored the text. i waited until late the next day to respond saying "wait what"
opened up my snap chat to a picture of him saying "i'm in love with you"
ok so it wasnt just one of his friends texting off of his phone... it was him... maybe it wasn't real
but it happened again
and again
and again
and every single time, he was drunk. belligerently so
don't get me wrong, it wasn't that i didn't like him in the same way, it was that i didn't like that SIDE of him. he got aggressive when he drank, he yelled at people and threatened to fight other guys and it simply wasn't something that i could see being okay in our relationship. so i turned a blind eye. i pretended that i didn't know he really liked me. i convinced myself that he was just drunk and i wasn't truly the love of his life. i told myself that if he really wanted me, he would better himself first.
so i waited.

but it looks like i waited too long.

today, gilbert is dating a new girl.
i asked gilbert if he felt the same way about me when he was sober. he told me that he was so into me during and after camp. key word: was.
i haven;t cried that much in a long time. a very very long time. i missed my shot. like i always do. i was so upset. the worst part is that he treats olivia exactly how i wanted to be treated. he skips his frat parties to hang out with her. it doesnt take half a bottle of whiskey for him to tell her he likes her. he takes her on dates. he is the most respectable man i have ever met in my life and i don't know if i'll ever find anyone like this man again. what i didn't know is that i was in love with him, too. i was just too scared to admit it. turns out i had everything to worry about.

terrified

Running for a position, any position, is actually kind of terrifying.

Gideon texted me and asked me what I thought about running for a position in SGA. Being in Stuco in high school I was like yes, absolutely, I think that's really cool. It's something I've wanted to be a part of ever since we got to A&M. In fact, I know it's pretty far fetched, but I would want to be student body president one day

But I'm not a boy
or in the corps
and I don't know enough people.

So basically it's really out there.

But Gideon asked me what I thought about running for a position and I said it's a great idea. It turned out that if you wanted to run, you had to sign up the next day. I hesitated and eventually caved in to pay the ten dollars and press "submit." I was excited!

Imagine....
Michelle Hoang: Off- Campus Senator 2016-2017.
Sounds pretty cool to me.

There was a mandatory meeting to go to that Sunday so of course Gideon and I went together. I was super excited, I would be meeting all my competition (who obviously are no threat to me).

Much to my surprise... I was terrified. Mortified, really.
First off, I woke up at 5:40 and the meeting was at 6. I struggled to wake Gideon up so we wouldn't be late. I was half asleep when we left.
Then, my favorite part, when we rolled up, we saw everyone wearing ties. And slacks. And button downs. And dresses. And heels. IMAGINE ME FREAKING OUT AND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO FIND THE EMAIL TO SEE WHERE IT SAID TO DRESS BUSINESS CASUAL BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING.
It was 5:55, there was no way we could make it home and back in time for this meeting. We shamefully walk into Wehner and sign in. The president of AXO sees me there. Of COURSE she was dressed in a beautiful dress, with perfect hair and make up while I was wearing ripped leggings, a wrinkled T shirt, glasses, and my hair in a (disgusting) pony. Yep. Super embarrassing.
She said "wow I didn't know you were running for anything!" and I tried to giggle and pretty sure I ended up chortling instead so yeah. I said "haha, me either!"
As the night went on I got more and more discouraged. I had NO idea what I was doing.
The meeting was about an hour long and they discussed the rules of campaigning. Rules? I didn't know there were guidelines to what you could or couldn't do. Then, when the presentation was over, people had QUESTIONS.

WHAT?! I never would have come up with any of those questions, either.
The meeting ended at 7 PM and at 7:01 PM, campaigning began. Instagram, Facebook and Twitter were flooded wth campaign photos.
Campaign photos?? I don't have any of those. Was I supposed to? Ha ha ah aha ha ahahahahhahahhahahha frick.
I got invited to many facebook events to vote for "Four to the floor" or "Triumph with two" and more.
Facebook event pages??

Kyle Grover sent a really long campaign message in our FLEX gm like a week ago. Was I already supposed to be campaigning?
So believe me when I say I was very intimidated. There was no way I would be voted as anything considering how casual I was about the whole experience.

Voting began Thursday 9 AM so Wednesday rolled around and I was like shoot okay maybe I should do something about it. So I wrote a little blurb about why I wanted to be off-campus senator and sent it to almost every GM I was in. I emailed Alpha Chi some cheesy thing about how I was running and how it would look good for someone in Alpha Chi to be in SGA.

Long story short, I didn't really make a huge effort to win. So, naturally, I also didn't go to the winning ceremony. I didn't think I'd get it. The ceremony was at 7. It was 8. I would have known if I had won.

8:20. I'm laying in Jake's bed. Pretty sure we had just gotten back from chicken express (lol).

And on my phone...
1 New Message
Gideon
"You won!!!!!! Congrats dude"


So now I'm one of Texas A&M's newest Off- Campus Senators. What that entails? I have no idea.

old friendships die

it's 2:39 am and I am overwhelmed
I am appalled at myself

I somehow let myself hook up with this boy. and he fulfills no standards by which I have recently defined. I didn't even reach my own personal standards. how could I be so stupid? how could I not have had enough self control?

we went out
we drank
I asked him to sleep over. me. myself. I did. there was mistake number one.
and in my defense I hadn't intended for this to happen- in fact, I told myself it WOULDN'T happen. I really like the friendship that we have and I hoped for a night of just sleeping next to a person.
we left the party
we jump in my bed and begin to watch Netflix
I say I'm cold and he cuddles me (super sign to get the fuck out of that situation!!!)
he feels me up and eventually I give in saying "I hate you" and kissing him
I allow myself to get wrapped up in the moment
I forget all my morals
I am a mess
A little while later I think to myself "what the hell am I doing"
I pull away
I say "this wasn't supposed to happen" and I turn away
for some odd reason he doesn't get the message and continues to lay there with me
what have I done
what is wrong with me
why did I let this happen
it's funny because earlier in the night I had said how I don't want hook ups- I want to settle down into something real. something meaningful. and he knew that
I'm not trying to place the blame because I know that I, too, am at fault
but I am upset with myself
I laid there for 5 minutes without saying a word
he continues to play footsies with me and cuddle me
is it not obvious that this is not what I want?
to be completely honest I almost cried
"Roberto"
he pulls me in closer
"are you okay?"
"I just.... I really like the friendship that we had"
"oh"
"you should go home"
"I'm sorry"
"it's fine"
"it could've been two sided- both ways"
"ya it was. you should go"
"okay I was going to leave soon anyways"
I didn't turn around
I laid there and waited for him to leave
and he had the audacity to kiss me on the cheek before he left


I feel so incredibly dumb right now.
I'm upset and I'm blaming him for everything
I don't know if we can get that friendship back
in fact, I don't know if I even want it back