gilbert bermea, fish camp partner. may be one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. we would share secrets with each other, laugh with each other, even cry with each other. he's the kind of person that I would call when I was lost or scared. one of the first that i would tell when something exciting happened. never really thought much of it, in fact, i think i was so hung up over in the past relationship i had been in that i didn't see what was right in front of my eyes. i took him for granted. i refused to believe what i knew was standing right in front of me.
during fish camp i shared some secrets with our DG, the smallest yet biggest one was that i've always had confidence issues- in finding that I am enough for the people that surround me, that i am smart enough, that i am pretty enough, that i am good enough to love and be loved. this is not something that i share with people often. this is something that i struggle with every single day and i told our DG in faith that they would understand and feel compelled to open up, as well.
what i didn't realize, though, was that gilbert... he listened to every word i said. if i told him that i liked a song, he would play it for me the next time i saw him. if i mentioned that i had an exam in 2 weeks, he would ask me how it went the day of. as much as i'd like to believe that i am an intentional person, he is the definition thereof. this man kept up with me. weeks later he reminded me that i am more than enough and that i shouldn't have confidence issues. he always reminds me how amazing i am and that i have nothing to worry about.
around mid august, i got a text from gil. "i'm in love with you"
it was 2:37am what was i supposed to believe?? here was my thought process: he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. i ignored the text. i waited until late the next day to respond saying "wait what"
opened up my snap chat to a picture of him saying "i'm in love with you"
ok so it wasnt just one of his friends texting off of his phone... it was him... maybe it wasn't real
but it happened again
and again
and again
and every single time, he was drunk. belligerently so
don't get me wrong, it wasn't that i didn't like him in the same way, it was that i didn't like that SIDE of him. he got aggressive when he drank, he yelled at people and threatened to fight other guys and it simply wasn't something that i could see being okay in our relationship. so i turned a blind eye. i pretended that i didn't know he really liked me. i convinced myself that he was just drunk and i wasn't truly the love of his life. i told myself that if he really wanted me, he would better himself first.
so i waited.
but it looks like i waited too long.
today, gilbert is dating a new girl.
i asked gilbert if he felt the same way about me when he was sober. he told me that he was so into me during and after camp. key word: was.
i haven;t cried that much in a long time. a very very long time. i missed my shot. like i always do. i was so upset. the worst part is that he treats olivia exactly how i wanted to be treated. he skips his frat parties to hang out with her. it doesnt take half a bottle of whiskey for him to tell her he likes her. he takes her on dates. he is the most respectable man i have ever met in my life and i don't know if i'll ever find anyone like this man again. what i didn't know is that i was in love with him, too. i was just too scared to admit it. turns out i had everything to worry about.
