See...I messed up. In the moment I didn't see it, but looking back now- I see how wrong I was.
It was at a party, and according to the group, I was not the most goody-two-shoes girl there. In fact, (well, I don't understand why...) I had this sort of label on me that I was a slut. One guy kisses me while he's dating a girl (which I didn't know!!) and suddenly everyone thinks I'm easy. Yeah right. This is college anyways, why are there any judgments? I thought all of that went away when you went to a fifty three thousand person school.
But it was at a party. I wasn't wasted- no, not at all. Maybe a little tipsy. I have a very extroverted personality. Me talking to someone can be perceived as flirting! But I promise I really don't mean to. So I walk around to talk to all my friends. I jump around and dance because I don't care about what anyone thinks of me anymore. I'm free spirited, I'm me and only me and I refuse to let anyone sway my opinions... or so I thought.
Yeah, it was at a party. Mid-jumping around and dancing, a boy stops me. Jake. We talk and laugh and as I'm jumping to the next person to talk to he says something that I would NEVER expect.
"Will you go out with me?"
... ok I laughed. Ha ha ha who would ask me out at a party... and someone I barely know? What a joke.
That wasn't even a funny joke. You can't ask someone out as a joke and expect it to be okay. Nevertheless, he spent the next three days texting me. Why won't you go out with me? Why don't you believe me? I actually just want to date you.
I used to believe in relationships. I used to actually want a relationship. That was all I ever wanted but never got the chance. But going to college changed things. I learned to hate relationships. I learned to love being single and myself and being independent. I relied on no one else and thought about no one else when making my decisions.
Time went on. I told him "Yes," on that date with him. I didn't want any what if? questions forever. We spent time together. We people watched together. We studied together. We just enjoyed being together. But don't be fooled. We also fought. Like cats and dogs.
Whether it was just the idea of a relationship appalling me or maybe it was just my pride, I refused to accept the fact that we were anything more than friends. I didn't treat him as anything more which is the exact opposite of what he wanted. We fought because I acted the same way I did before we were together. We fought because I flirted with other guys. We fought because I took advantage of him. We fought because I treated him wrong. 100%.
Would I take it back if I could?
Absolutely.
Over time, he slowly backed out. And at that point it didn't bother me. At that point I felt superior; I believed I was always right; I felt that he was the one who treated me wrong. So what's the matter if he doesn't want me anymore, right? I liked the single life. I was lying to myself.
Looking back on it now, I regret almost everything. When I imagine my perfect guy I see a guy who actually cares about me. One who knows exactly how to comfort me when I wake up from a freaky nightmare. One who will text me "I'm coming over," and have a good time just hanging out with me while I do my homework. One who makes sure I'm okay when I'm belligerently drunk but also one who doesn't need alcohol to enjoy our presence. One who wants kids one day (I know that's so far away) and will love them even more than he can love me.
I missed out on a lot. I have so many what if? questions that will definitely linger forever. Maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship but I was definitely ready to try. So yeah I regret almost everything. Except for saying yes. Except for meeting you.
If ever one day we end up together, I'll let you read this and know how messed up I was and how I messed up but mostly how sorry I am. It's dumb, I know, because we weren't even ever serious.
But Jake, forgive me. Any girl would be lucky to land a guy like you.
