goals for 2016

GOALS FOR 2016
Physical:
- lose abdominal fat/ get bikini bod
- no soda
- be involved in AXO
- meet more people
Mental:
- become independent
- become confident

By January:
- no dark colored sodas
- keep a food log
- make a list of priorities vs options
- text someone in AXO
- join another organization (... consider Fish Camp again).

By February:
- go to the gym at least twice
- set aside 3 hours one day every week to study (even if I have no homework)
- fix hair
- hang out with someone in AXO other than Sherry
- go out with AXO girls at least once
- go to at least 2 chapter meetings
- make at least one close personal connection in said organization

By March:
- go to the gym at least four times
- do zumba once a week
- stop texting people who don't prioritize me first!!
- go to at least 2 chapter meetings WITH other girls

By April:
- cut drinking down to once a week maximum
- go to an event without knowing anyone
- go to at least 3 chapter meetings

my life plan

So the other day I shamelessly wrote a life plan for myself in a group message with Siobhan Fahy (Shiv) and Brielle Ferdinand (Bri) who I'm living with next year. For now this is the plan... but let's be real, things are bound to change

Keep in mind that this was poorly written at 1 AM on my cell phone so my grammar and spelling is probably not right ha ha ha ha ha ok

ok SO obviously I'm in this weird dilemma where I am conflicted on everything in the world right 

so I'm gonna give Dean a shot 

we will hang out a few times 

it's possible we will work out 

but on the real, we would probably hang out a couple times then I'll realize what a crazy party boy he is and I will decide that I don't want that in my life 

BUT this fling will last for a month or two 

within that month or two, word will spread. rafa will spill to jake or something and jake will know and decide that he, too, is done with me 

BUT!!! we are partners so there's no way to escape me:))))) no naturally we are forced to still hang out

once Dean and I are over I will be in an uncomfortable situation w no boy and jake will realize how stupid he was for letting me go 

thus we will get back together 

we will be happy 

we will be stupid

we will fight 

once he realizes he's half rebound he will let me go once again 

by this time it has already been decided that I am director and he is financial executive so once again we are stuck with each other

he will move on first 

he will date some girl 

probably a mutual friend of ours 

I will be upset 

I will not talk to him 

I will fall back into my partying habits and go to every frat party known to man 

at this point in time I have been so frustrated with my flex friends that I am actually involved in my own sorority 

all my sorority friends are alcoholics and naturally I become one too, becoming the exact opposite of what jake looks for in a girl 

I will find someone who treats me well 

probably a current freshmen 

he will make me swerve away from my party habits 

both jake and I will be in relationships with different people 

we are on exec staff together so we have to talk 

we become best friends again 

then I go to nursing school 

and he does whatever he wants to do 

and we will no longer be friends

my boyfriend and I will break up bc I'm too busy with school 

I graduate nursing school while I'm talking to a guy also in my program 

I find a job at the local hospital in Austin 

sad and lonely and living with my parents

the guy I'm talking to decides not to go to Austin for work, but to Dallas and I am heartbroken once again 

my parents are driving me insane so who do I hang out with in Austin???? 

high school friends 

specifically, Carson

Carson will hit on me casually and I will pretend that nothing is happening until the day that he says "Michelle, why haven't we thought about being together?" 

my mind is exploding because that's disgusting

I say "fuck you" run away and get a job in Dallas, following my nursing school fling

I become head nurse at the biggest hospital in Dallas

me, being silly me, will try to get into the same program as the Dallas fling 

BUT I know I want to stay in pediatrics so I'm conflicted 

sad sad me barely sees Dallas fling 

I work hard 

I have no friends 

one night I go to the bar downtown and see someone else who works at my hospital

but I am too shy to say hello. I chug my sex on the beach and continue to mingle with the people I am with

my friend looks at me and says omg there's something on your shirt 

embarrassed, I go to the bathroom to check it out

on the walk there I am staring at my shirt trying to get it out and NATURALLY, I run into a person 

I look up 

it's...... NOT THE DALLAS FLING!!!!!

it's the hot anesthesiologist from floor 4 HELLO

his name is Clay 

he says "hi! don't you work at St. Joseph's hospital?" 

blushing and embarrassed that I ran into him I cannot form words I simply smile 

he looks deeply into my eyes

leans in

and says "would you like to get some food?"

TRUST ME, I was thinking it was a kiss too!!!!! 

we leave the bar and go to the Cheesecake Factory across the street

we laugh

we have fun 

we learn about each other 

we find out that we're both from Austin

we eat 

we get cheesecake 

he is embarrassed to find out that I don't even like cheesecake 

we laugh it off and decide to get ice cream for dessert instead

we walk to the nearest ice cream store only to realize it's closed..... 

because it's 2:33 AM 

time has flown by!!!!!!

didn't even REALIZE that we were together for that long!!!!!! 

that's how much we liked each other

he drives me home, where I live with these 2 shits shiv and bri 

they are eavesdropping and I know it 

he walks me to my door 

nervous, I ask if he wants to come in

he says "no, but there's always tomorrow" and grins

WHAT A GENTLEMAN

he says goodbye and kisses me on the cheek, lets go of my hands and I repeat, "there's always tomorrow"

GRINNING FROM CHEEK TO CHEEK I TURN AROUND AND THERE IS BRI AND SHIV!!!!!! already standing there waiting 

we jump around and drink wine and I finally get my ice cream 

bri's boyfriend, russell, comes over with more wine and jumps around with us

shiv's boyfriend, Jonathan is still @ navy or wherever he is but he also face times in and gets wasted from far away

the next morning we wake up and there is a card that was slid under the door from the anesthesiologist, Clay

Clay. the card is from clay! it has an address and a time. 

624 Parkway Circle 

7:30 PM

I go to work 

I see him 

he sees me 

he waves

I wave

we are both busy with patients 

we simply smile

7:15 PM I leave our condo 

I drive to this address and I am amazed.............

it's a park with a beautiful archway entrance 

keep in mind that daylight savings is a thing so it's still light outside ok

I follow the path. confused on where he is. I don't even have his number so I can't call and ask

the path leads to a river in the middle of the park where Clay is sitting on a blanket with a basket facing the river

he hears my footsteps and turns around and smiles 

I sit down and he kisses me on the cheek 

"you're just in time," he says 

"the sun is about to set" 

we watch the sun set as we eat our poorly made turkey and cheddar sandwiches 

(I really don't know where this story is going but I'm not tired so I'm still going)

we eat

we laugh

we lose track of time 

we enjoy each other 

he pulls out dessert and I laugh... it's cheesecake

he asks me to be his girlfriend 

we go on more dates 

we get to know one another 

I learn to love cheesecake 

I learn to love him

but don't get me wrong this isn't a perfect love story 

we're both smart, strong minded people who have strong opinions 

we fight

a lot 

we cry

we laugh

the biggest argument we had? 

over whether or not gluten is a real allergy

we both use science to back up our argument 

but it gets too heated 

the argument has moved on to how an anesthesiologist is smarter than a nurse so he knows better 

infuriated, I walk away and say i hate him I say he has wasted so many years of my life 

clay regrets talking down to the nursing career immediately after saying it but it's too strong minded to admit he was in the wrong

it had been a long day. I had lost a patient (and keep in mind that I am a pediatric nurse so it's really sad) and I had rear ended someone on my drive home 

I wasn't having it 

clay grabs me and says he's sorry and that he loves me and he wants to be with me forever 

pushover Michelle looks up with forgiving eyes 

I say "today was the worst day of my life" 

he wipes my tears away and says "but there's always tomorrow"

at this point we had been dating for ten months

spending every day with kids, I can't help but want a few of my own

but what do I say?? how could I even ASK to have kids if we weren't even married

we date for more months 

slowly shiv and bri both move out to live with their boyfriends and I am alone in our condo

oh of course 

wine and ice cream nights all the time 

I put up fliers for roommates. preferably ones that aren't crazy 

I meet a lot of crazy girls

crack addicts, mainly 

but one day I get a call from a potential roommate

"hello?" 

"hi" 

the voice sounded familiar

"did you get my number from the flier?"

"oh.... no."

"oh I'm sorry, who is this?"

the caller hangs up

confused, I am standing in the living room of our condo 

someone knocks on the door 

ah yes, I forgot I invited Clay over 

I open the door 

it's the Dallas fling, whose name is Robert. He goes by James tho

WHAT 

WHAT

HOW

NO

Robert is at my door. he is actually at my door. how is this happening. 

"I saw your flier" 

"....it's been so long James" 

"I just... I have to tell you something" 

"ok yeah come in!" 

he slowly walks in 

very hesitant

"so what's up?" 

"remember that one day in nursing school when you told me about getting a job at the Austin hospital?" 

"yeah" 

"I applied there too" 

"oh" 

"after I found out that's where you had decided to go" 

"oh" 

James looks down at his feet and twiddles his fingers

he looks up 

there are tears in his eyes

what is going on??? I'm so confused as to why James had come here 

"I love you" 

holy 

fucking

shit

do I love him too??? 

do I want this???

do I want him??? 

tears

tears come straight to my eyes

why

why would this happen now

he pulls me closer

"I know you. I love you. I know you love me too"

he kisses me

in shock... I kiss back

mid-kiss i can't help but feel like this is wrong

the door opens right as I'm pulling away

it's Clay

holy 

fucking

shit 

what have I done

I look at James then at Clay then at James again

Clay walks out

I stand there, in shock 

"get out" I say

"but Michelle"

" I said get OUT!!!!!!!!"

what 

have

I

done

James hurries out the door and I am still standing in the exact same position I was in beforehand

I Sprint like Shiv and Bri taught me how to on the treadmills in college

I'm running but I don't know where I'm running to 

I run so fast that I don't even look around 

but I hear a big "fuck you"

I turn around and watch Clay punch James

that is not the Clay I fell in love with

so I turn around and keep running

I keep running and I run right into a person

I look up, apologizing and wiping my tears away 

Jake

he looks at me in shock as well 

we haven't seen each other for years

his hair is better 

he has more weight/muscle 

overall he looks better 

I look at his hand 

no ring 

he hugs me and we walk around the square downtown 

turns out he lives 3 streets over 

he's successful & shit 

he has a girlfriend 

he asks me about me 

I ask him about him 

we laugh

we get to know each other once again 

like old times 

he gives me advice for Clay and tell me not to lose him 

he drives me home and we watch Grease until I fall asleep

when I wake up he is gone and there is a handwritten note saying "you fell asleep so I carried you to your bed. I miss you and love you and you will always mean a lot to me." 

I am too embarrassed to talk to Clay 

I never ever want to see James  

jake and hang out more 

we become the best friends that we used to be 

bri and shiv come live with me for a week and we get white girl wasted every single night 

(((tbh I'm so invested in this story that I don't even have a solution for potential Michelle))) 

like seriously tho... Clay would be so upset and I can't just say sorry and expect it to be okay

we both still go to work 

I see him on floor five and he waves 

I wave 

it's awkward 

I get a call from an unknown number 

"hello?"

"hi is this Michelle Hoang?"

"yes this is she"

"hi we need you to come to St. Joseph's Hospital immediately. there has been an emergency"

"I'm here right now, what's wrong?"

"it's your father"

I run to the fifth floor where I find my dad being prepped for surgery. He was in a car crash and has head injuries and needs to be taken care of immediately

I argue saying that I am a nurse, begging for them to let me scrub in 

they say no 

I begin to cry, standing there in shock

a hand grabs my shoulder and turns me around 

Clay

he ensures me that he will be on the surgical team and will make sure my dad is okay 

he tells me he has called some of my friends to be here for me

I walk out of the room, frantically looking for tissues and when I look up... there's Makenna holding a box of tissues

she hugs me and tells me that bri shiv and jake are in the lobby waiting for us 

the 5 of us spend time together and wait 

and wait 

and wait

we waited for hours 

we talked

we laughed

we even sang a frozen song 

it was like 2015 

I had almost forgotten that there was anything bad in the world 

then a hand was laid on my shoulder 

chills went down my spine 

I swallowed 

I turned around 

Clay 

I just broke into tears and he held me in his arms 

he was okay 

dad was okay 

everything was okay 

I looked up at Clay and he wiped my tears away, leaned in, and kissed me 

"I love you" 

"I love you too" 

like I said, our relationship wasn't perfect 

but what relationship is 

I found my new roommate

it was Clay 

we get a pet fish and name her angel 

months pass by 

I wake up one day to a card slid under the door

I open it 

it says: 624 Parkway Circle 

7:30 PM

it's  our 15 month anniversary 

I get excited 

I go to work 

I come home

Clay is no where to be found but I'm okay with it 

at 7:15 I leave my condo and arrive to the archway to the park 

I walk the path and reach the river and once again, Clay has set out a picnic blanket 

he has me sit facing the sunset and he sits behind me, taking cheesy pictures and telling me not to turn around 

the sun sets and Clay tells me to turn around 

there he was 

on one knee 

holding up a ring that shined in the light

but in the long run I marry Clay and have 3 kids (1st is girl- Carson, 2nd is boy- Jackson) 

take off work while the kids are young and go back once they're old enough 

my kids will be soccer kids 

all of them 

I will be the ultimate soccer mom 

Jackson will be super athletic and also play tennis 

Carson is also going to be a ballerina

once they go to college or maybe once they're out of college I will pursue a life dream of becoming a cruise director 

(the person who runs the entertainment and the marriage show and stuff like that) 

and then I'll live on a cruise ship for 10/12 months of the year until I'm like 50 or when I have grandkids then I'll come home and retire and be happy 

the end

I also want to build houses 

well, design them really 

I want to build really exquisite houses and live in them then sell them for a much higher price than I spent on it

Change

A lot has changed this year. I've changed my major, I've started an organization, I've joined a sorority and not going to lie... I'm overwhelmed. About a week ago, someone asked me what I like to do for fun and it struck me... I don't know. I can't tell you the last time I was bored... the last time I had free time to do something for myself. I have always been busy with something- whether it be for FLEX or for Alpha Chi Omega, or maybe I'm just busy with some chemistry homework- it's hard. I used to be the kind of girl who went out and ENOed at the local park and counted the number of shooting stars I could see at night but now I'm wondering if I do anything for fun.

But today I came across an article that described exactly how I felt. These things ARE what I do for fun. I chose to make an organization. I chose to make FLEX my life. I chose to expand my leadership through this organization. I chose to go through recruitment. I chose Alpha Chi Omega. I chose to meet over 200 girls who will be a part of my life forever. I chose to change my career path to nursing. I chose a major so that I can be a part of something bigger than myself. I chose to invest my time in these things.

I advise all of you overcommitted college students to read this article.

http://theodysseyonline.com/…/living-for-today-lette…/193093

I think sometimes we forget how lucky we are- how good of lives we have been given. We are so lucky to be a part of all these things. We've forgotten how to enjoy the busyness.

regret

regret is a huge part in my life.

I've done a lot of things that I am so incredibly ashamed of. I'm scared to tell anyone about it. The fear of judgement gets to me. I think that I always forget to think things through before doing them. Take my sexual life, for instance. I lost my virginity to someone that I didn't love.

someone that I didn't love

how could I? I lost all my morals and lost it to someone who I barely knew- who I currently barely know. Coming to college, I got so caught up in the freedom of it all that I began to go crazy. Drink/party/rage/make bad decisions, sleep, wake up, eat, repeat. Where was the studying? Where was the time for God?

I don't even have an answer for that.

If I have one thing to tell my kids, it's to not live their college years the way I treated my freshman year. I think that I was raised in a very strict family who explicitly told me what to do and I didn't like that. I began to resent my own parents and do things that they specifically didn't want me to do. I resented my own faith, I put my personal life in front of others, I began to go out and drink, I majored in communication (yeah I don't understand that one, either), I never came home to visit my parents... so naturally, when I got to leave home, I didn't have any rules. I didn't have anybody to keep me accountable. I didn't have to do what anyone else said other than myself. I went wild. I drank like I breathed alcohol instead of oxygen. I flirted with every guy that was remotely attractive. I pushed my faith away. I pushed my friends away. I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong.

And on one October night, I let my judgement escape me completely. I don't know if it was that I simply didn't think or if I ignored my subconscious completely. Looking back on it now, I am still questioning my every move.

Now I thought the guy was the most attractive boy out there. He had a beautiful smile with straight, white teeth. He had this aroma and pulled me in a little closer every time we talked. He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in closer every second. Me being the prissy bitch I was, I played games. It was no question that I found him attractive and that he found me in the same state, but I let him get close and would run off and allowed him to watch me flirt with other guys. I know... what a ridiculous way to get a guy to fall for you. Imagine my surprise when I realized it worked. Flirted with almost every guy there, kissed another guy during a jenga game, then came back to talk to the guy once again. Smirking, I told him a guy kissed me in the jenga game. What a thrill it was to toy with someone's attractions like that. But he leaned down, caressed my face, pulled me close to him, and kissed me.

and starting at that moment, I don't know what my thought processes were. I remember moving into a bedroom, making out, then moving into another one. I remember having sex and wondering what on earth I was doing... but I didn't stop it. I remember putting our clothes back on, shoving the used condom in his pocket and sitting and talking.

at that time I didn't think much of it. I knew it wasn't what the old me would have done. I knew it wasn't a good idea. I also knew that I wasn't telling anyone about it. Ever. I remember going to church the next morning feeling half disgusted half proud. Proud. Who was I? My best friend asked me how my night was and I responded saying it was good, keeping the main event to myself. I told the guy that he couldn't tell anyone, either. And he didn't. It was great. It was a weird bond that he and I shared. I don't know how to describe it. I got excited every time I saw him but not in the sense of butterflies in my stomach... more like a desire to do it again. And it did happen again. And again. As time went on, people found out that we were friends with benefits.

But my best friend was NEVER to know. Why not? regret. shame. fear of judgement.
it stayed that way for months. More and more people found out but my best friend never did. I knew she didn't like him. She didn't think he was attractive. She didn't approve. She never would.

I waited ten months to tell her.
Ten.
I didn't even have the balls to tell her in person. I called her and told her it was important. I had so much regret built up inside me that I couldn't do it. I broke into tears and begged her not to be mad at me but I think that this just made it worse. It was embarrassment. It was me admitting my own defeat. It was me saying "I'm wrong." And to be honest, I am a prideful person. I don't like being wrong. I don't like being the inferior person.

Now when I think about it, I am appalled at my thoughts. Not sure which one is a bigger regret, the deed itself or not telling my best friend. I'm too scared to face my own mistakes. I'd like to think that I am a pretty religious person. Obviously last year, I wasn't much of a jesus follower... but even though I have now reprioritized my life, I can't come to confess my own sin to Jesus.

There is too much shame. Too much regret. Too much fear of judgement. The bible says that you are saved by God if you confess with your mouth and believe that Jesus came to wash away our sins. I don't feel worthy. I still feel guilt. I am still embarrassed.

My personal philosophy

I have a personal philosophy on life. I know this for a fact. I also know that my personal philosophy on life changes every single day. I experience things that shape me in a different way every time. I think everyone goes through the same thing. I know as a child, I resented the catholic faith. This was only because my parent’s forced me to go. It almost felt like a chore. Once I joined the youth group of my church, I felt more inclined to learn more. I fell in love with God and my faith grew stronger and I learned to love others more than myself. So yeah, I think everyone’s personal philosophy changes day by day. If it didn’t… did you really live?

Now regarding health, health education and being a health professional… I think I am still forming my personal philosophy. See, I just changed my major to Allied Health with the intent of becoming a nurse. I was originally a communication major. In high school I was always the rebellious kid who didn’t want to do what my parents said so naturally, when they told me to become a doctor or a lawyer or an entrepreneur, I fought back and chose communication…which may have been the worst decision of my life. I hated it. I loved helping people in any situation. I loved being a part of something bigger than myself. I was friends with this lady back home who was a nurse and had three beautiful children. She lived a fairytale. She was successful with her husband and her kids. She would go to work and come home and tell me stories on her patients and how she felt for them, how she wanted to make their lives better. She is honestly a huge role model in my life and I don’t think she knows it. I want to be like her- to have a heart like hers, to love like her.

In a sense of being a nurse, it is absolutely an opportunity for me to be a part of something bigger than myself. Health… a definition we learned for this term was “a functional state which makes possible the achievement of other goals and activities.” I love the part that says “which makes possible the achievement of other goals.” Health is more than just being physically healthy. It allows you to keep moving on to bigger and better things. Helping someone get to that point is being selfless. It’s giving without taking. It’s putting others before yourself and really making sure that this person is healthy- physically and emotionally enough to move on in their lives.

Mental health. This is a huge thing for me. I have a friend who struggles with mental health to a point where he considered suicide. I think a big thing that needs to be highlighted is the importance of mental health. We can use health promotion to help others get to that healthy stance. So many people spend their lives focusing on the negatives of themselves rather than focusing on the positives and thus putting so much pressure on themselves to be better. I think a lot of the times we get so caught up on being better that we forget that we are sufficient. On that note, being physically and mentally healthy will build up a person’s self esteem. It reduces stress and the negative mentality built into so many people. It decreases the possibility of suicide.

So my personal philosophy is to be a health education specialist through helping others using health promotion and selflessly putting others before myself to make possible the achievement of other goals, including lessening the risk for suicide through promotion of mental health.

But that’s just for now. Life changes, my perspective on life changes, who knows? Maybe my career path will change and everything I have just written will be completely false. But for now, this is it. This is what I believe.

7/26/2015

See...I messed up. In the moment I didn't see it, but looking back now- I see how wrong I was.

It was at a party, and according to the group, I was not the most goody-two-shoes girl there. In fact, (well, I don't understand why...) I had this sort of label on me that I was a slut. One guy kisses me while he's dating a girl (which I didn't know!!) and suddenly everyone thinks I'm easy. Yeah right. This is college anyways, why are there any judgments? I thought all of that went away when you went to a fifty three thousand person school.

But it was at a party. I wasn't wasted- no, not at all. Maybe a little tipsy. I have a very extroverted personality. Me talking to someone can be perceived as flirting! But I promise I really don't mean to. So I walk around to talk to all my friends. I jump around and dance because I don't care about what anyone thinks of me anymore. I'm free spirited, I'm me and only me and I refuse to let anyone sway my opinions... or so I thought.

Yeah, it was at a party. Mid-jumping around and dancing, a boy stops me. Jake. We talk and laugh and as I'm jumping to the next person to talk to he says something that I would NEVER expect.

"Will you go out with me?"

... ok I laughed. Ha ha ha who would ask me out at a party... and someone I barely know? What a joke.

That wasn't even a funny joke. You can't ask someone out as a joke and expect it to be okay. Nevertheless, he spent the next three days texting me. Why won't you go out with me? Why don't you believe me? I actually just want to date you. 

I used to believe in relationships. I used to actually want a relationship. That was all I ever wanted but never got the chance. But going to college changed things. I learned to hate relationships. I learned to love being single and myself and being independent. I relied on no one else and thought about no one else when making my decisions.

Time went on. I told him "Yes," on that date with him. I didn't want any what if? questions forever. We spent time together. We people watched together. We studied together. We just enjoyed being together. But don't be fooled. We also fought. Like cats and dogs.

Whether it was just the idea of a relationship appalling me or maybe it was just my pride, I refused to accept the fact that we were anything more than friends. I didn't treat him as anything more which is the exact opposite of what he wanted. We fought because I acted the same way I did before we were together. We fought because I flirted with other guys. We fought because I took advantage of him. We fought because I treated him wrong. 100%.

Would I take it back if I could?
Absolutely.

Over time, he slowly backed out. And at that point it didn't bother me. At that point I felt superior; I believed I was always right; I felt that he was the one who treated me wrong. So what's the matter if he doesn't want me anymore, right? I liked the single life. I was lying to myself.

Looking back on it now, I regret almost everything. When I imagine my perfect guy I see a guy who actually cares about me. One who knows exactly how to comfort me when I wake up from a freaky nightmare. One who will text me "I'm coming over," and have a good time just hanging out with me while I do my homework. One who makes sure I'm okay when I'm belligerently drunk but also one who doesn't need alcohol to enjoy our presence. One who wants kids one day (I know that's so far away) and will love them even more than he can love me.

I missed out on a lot. I have so many what if? questions that will definitely linger forever. Maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship but I was definitely ready to try. So yeah I regret almost everything. Except for saying yes. Except for meeting you.

If ever one day we end up together, I'll let you read this and know how messed up I was and how I messed up but mostly how sorry I am. It's dumb, I know, because we weren't even ever serious.

But Jake, forgive me. Any girl would be lucky to land a guy like you.